The Odd Couple, Episode 13: Cutler and Cavallari

[Interior, Chicago Cut Steakhouse, Downtown Chicago. Tazer and Kaner are standing at the bar ignoring the horde of young beauties staring holes into their skulls. Rinky is standing nearby, practically unnoticed.]

Tazer: Do you ever feel self-conscious when people stare at us?

Kaner: What people? You mean all these bitches? They're just here to check out my package, son.

Tazer: I doubt that, Patrick.

Kaner [Mockingly]: Oh, you doubt that, huh? Why the fuck else would they be here then, dipshit? It sure as shit isn't to look at your goofy ass. When did you start caring about what people thought about you anyway?

Tazer: There is no reason to start lobbing insults about the establishment.

Kaner: Lobbing insults about the establishment? Fuck, why are you such a gay? I gotta take a piss. I'll be back in a minute.

[As Kaner leaves the bar, he nods at Rinky who follows Kaner to the men's room.]

Kaner [To Rinky]: What the fuck, dude? Did you put him back to normal or what?

Rinky: Ah, yes, sir. Mr Wirtz asked me to recalibrate him this afternoon before the game tomorrow.

Kaner: Back to his old, boring, gay-ass self?

Rinky: Yes, sir. So sorry, sir. Now that Master Hossa and yourself are healthy again, the organization deemed it was appropriate to have Master Toews go back to his original programming.

Kaner [Muttered softly]: Fucking Hoss. Fucking European vampire asshole. Fuck. [Then aloud to Rinky] But I liked the asshole Tazer. Now I have to put up with this polite bullshit again. What a fag.

Rinky: So sorry, sir.

Kaner: Fuck. Let's go back to the bar, I'm gonna get wasted.

[Kaner and Rinky walk back to the bar]

Tazer [To Kaner]: Ah, there you are Patrick! Would you look at this? The barkeep has informed me that someone has bought us a bottle of very fine hundred year-old brandy. Would you care for a drink? [Tazer gestures at the ornate bottle on the bar].

Kaner: Fucking A, bro!

[Kaner reaches for the bottle, unseals the top and guzzles approximately eight ounces of liquor then belches. The crowd of on-lookers applaud.]

Kaner: Tastes like fucking kerosene, dude.

[The on-lookers laugh]

Tazer [Appalled]: I cannot take you anywhere, Patrick. You truly disgust me sometimes. You just drank eight hundred dollars worth of hundred year old brandy. That liquor is older than your grandfather.

Kaner: Tasted about as good as my grandpa's ball sack too.

Tazer: Cretinous behavior.

Kaner [Cleanses his palette by chugging a can of PBR]: What's cretinous mean?

Tazer: It means your behavior is akin to that of a foul, thieving, disobedient child.

Kaner: I thought you put 'em on salads.

Tazer: Put what on salads?

Kaner: Cretinous.

Tazer: You mean croutons.

Kaner: I like when they go crunch in my mouth.

Tazer: You amaze me.

Kaner: Do they have a Captain?

Tazer [Warily]: Does who have a Captain?

Kaner: The fuckin' croutons!

Tazer: I do not understand your line of inquiry.

Kaner: I don't understand why you're so gay.

Tazer: I am not a homosexual. I am dating you sister.

Kaner: Don't remind me.

Tazer: In fact we just made love earlier this afternoon.

[Kaner pounds a bottle of Grey Goose while Tazer stares at him. The on-lookers applaud.]

Kaner: Who bought us the kerosene?

Tazer: I assumed it was one your many admirers here. I did not ask the bartender.

Kaner [To the bartender]: Dude, who bought the bottle?

[The bartender leans over the bar to whisper in Kaner's ear]

Kaner [Aloud]: Oh, yeah? Where is he?

[The bartender gestures towards the dining room]

Kaner [To Tazer]: Let's go say hi.

Tazer: To whom?

[Kaner ignores thet question and leads Tazer and Rinky to a table in the middle of the dining room where a couple is having dinner.]

Kaner [Loudly]: How's it hangin' Sour Nuts?

Jay Cutler: [Mumbles something inaudible and shrugs his shoulders, then gestures at the woman at the table.]

Kaner: Yeah, I know who this is. Gotta be The Hills. What up, Cali?

Kristen Cavallari [Slightly offended]: I'm sorry, do I know you?

Tazer [To Cavallari]: Please excuse my friend. He is developmentally disabled and has not matured beyond the age of twelve.

Kaner [Gesturing at Cavallari's glass of wine]: You gonna drink that?

Tazer: Silence, Patrick or I will have Rinkesh take you home immediately without any supper.

[Kaner scowls at Tazer but doen't say anything]

Tazer [To Cavallari]: A thousands pardons mademoiselle. [Reaches down to lift her hand to his mouth for a polite kiss] If you would allow me to introduce myself, I am Jonathan Toews of the Chicago Blackhawks. This is Patrick Kane, my teammate, and this is Rinkesh, our faithful valet.

Cavallari [Smiling]: Oh, yes! I have heard of you! My name is Kristen. Didn't you win something last year?

Tazer: Indeed we had the honor of hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup last June.

Kaner [Elbows Tazer in the ribs and whispers loudly]: Tell her I scored the Cup-winner.

Tazer: Patrick would like you to know that he scored the goal in overtime of the sixth game of the Stanley Cup Finals which secured Chicago its' first Stanley Cup Championship in forty-nine years.

Kaner [To Tazer]: You said that good, bro.

[Tazer nods in acknowledgement]

Cavallari: That's awesome! Congratulations!

Tazer: Thank you, madame. The reason we have interrupted your meal however is to thank Jay for his generosity in buying us that exquisite bottle of brandy. That was very considerate.

Kaner: Sour Nuts is all class.

Cavallari: Who is Sour Nuts?

Kaner: Fuckin' Cutler!

Cavallari: Why would you call him that?

Kaner: Look at his fuckin' face! Looks like he just ate a stinky pussy for an appetizer!

[Cutler shrugs and nods]

Cavallari: Gross!

Tazer: Please excuse Patrick, Ms. Cavallari. He is as uncouth and ill-bred a fellow as you are likely to become acquainted with in your life. I assure you he is quite harmless.

[Kaner picks up Cavallari's wine glass and drinks it in one swallow]

Kaner [To Cutler]: So are you guys serious or what?

[Cutler shrugs and smirks and gestures at Cavallari]

Cavallari: Of course we are serious! We're in love!

Tazer: That is delightful.

Kaner [To Cavallari]: I'm in love with your ass.

Cavallari: Jay!

[Cutler smirks and says nothing, Tazer is appalled.]

Kaner [To Cavallari]: You wanna have a threesome?

Cavallari: Eww, you are so gross! Jay! Make him go away!

Cutler [Barely audible to everyone]: Don't worry about it. Kaner's a good kid. He just hides his insecurities behind his bravado and outrageous statements.

[Rinky nods knowingly]

Tazer: Too true.

Kaner [To Cavallari]: Does Sour Nuts wear a cock ring? I bet he does. I tried it a couple times. Very uncomfortable, made my balls itchy.

[Cutler shakes his head in bemusement and mumbles something inaudible.]

Cavallari [Outraged]: No one has ever talked to me like this in my life!

Kaner: The cool thing about a cock ring is that it makes The Turk look like a fuckin' battering ram.

Cavallari: The Turk?

Tazer [Softly]: It is the name Patrick uses for his genitalia.

[Cutler laughs loudly]

Kaner [To Cavallari]: Like you don't have a nickname for Sour Nuts' equipment...

Cavallari [To Kaner]: You repulse me.

Kaner: Fine, I'll give you a nickname you can use later tonight.

[Kaner pauses to think for a few seconds]

Kaner: Okay, from now on you'll call Cutler's piece "The Bear Claw".

[Cutler snorts with laughter]

Tazer [To Kaner]: I think that's enough, Patrick. I believe we have worn out our welcome. [To Cavallari]: He really does have a heart of gold. [To Cutler]: Best of luck against the Packers on Sunday. The whole team is pulling for you and the Bears.

Kaner [To Cutler]: Yeah, bro, buttfuck those fudge-packers the same way you give it to The Hills.

Cutler [Smirking, barely audible to Tazer and Kaner]: Thanks, guys. Congrats on the Cup win.

[As Tazer leads Kaner away from the table, Kaner looks back over his shoulder at Cavallari and yells.]

Kaner: Yo, Cali! You ever try double penetration?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Inside voices, Patrick.

[As Tazer and Kaner continue walking back to the bar, Kaner picks up a stranger's half-finished cocktail from their table and pounds it.]

Kaner [To Tazer]: You think she liked me, bro?

Tazer: No. As usual you came off as an arrogant buffoon.

Kaner: I think she was checking out my unit.

Tazer: I am reasonably sure that did not happen.

Kaner [To a random girl at the bar]: Meet me in the men's room in two minutes. I need a blowjob.

[The random girl smiles and walks away towards to restrooms]

Tazer: Unbelievable.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

The Odd Couple, Episode 12: The New Captain

[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's Lake Shore Drive apartment. It is 2:00 AM and Kaner has been tossing and turning in bed for over an hour. Kaner usually sleeps on his side but due to the pain in his recently injured ankle he is forced to lie on his back in an uncomfortable position.]

Kaner: Fuck this shit.

[Kaner throws off his Return of the Jedi comforter, props himself up on his crutches and starts moving himself out of his bedroom down the hallway to the bathroom.]

Kaner [To himself]: Might as well drain the old lizard.

[After evacuating his bladder, Kaner continues down the hallway to the kitchen. As he passes Tazer's bedroom, he nudges the door open with one of his crutches. Kaner pokes his head in and sees Tazer sleeping as a soft white nimbus of light pulsates gently around his sleeping form.]

Kaner [To himself]: God damn Jesus-freak.

[Kaner continues on into the kitchen where he fixes himself a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.]

Kaner [To himself]: Mama said milk is good for my bones and will make my ankle feel better.

[Kaner sits down on the couch and props up his sore ankle on a pillow, then turns on the TV, fires up the TiVO and starts watching episodes of his favorite television show, Tom and Jerry.]

Kaner [To the television]: Tom, you stupid fuckface, Jerry owns your ass every time.

[Kaner dunks a cookie in the milk until it is nice and soggy before taking a bite.]

Kaner [Singing softly to himself with a mouthful of cookies and milk]: Cookies and milk, milk and cookies, makes me feel fuzzy, just like a Wookie. [Swallows] Hahaha! Good one, Kaner.

[A half-hour later Kaner falls asleep with crumbs distributed liberally across the front of his Harry Potter pajamas and the television still on. Standing and watching all of this in the shadows of another hallway is Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's slave houseboy.]

[Rinkesh approaches Kaner on silent feet.]

Rinky [Quietly to himself]: Oh, sir. We cannot have this every night, you know. It is of paramount importance that your ankle heals as quickly as possible.

Kaner [Talking in his sleep]: Cookies and milk....

Rinky: Yes, sir, I know.

[Rinky pulls out a small horse hair brush from his breast pocket and quickly brushes the crumbs off Kaner's chest onto the floor. Rinky then walks down the hallway and into Tazer's bedroom.]

Rinky [Looking at Tazer and talking to himself]: I thought we had resolved that issue with the glowing. I see we will have to work on that.

[Rinky gently shakes Tazer awake.]

Tazer [Fully awake and alert]: What is it, Rinkesh? Is everything okay?

Rinky: Yes, sir. Everything is fine sir. It is Master Kane, sir. May I prevail upon you to carry him to bed again?

Tazer: Of course.

[Tazer walks into the living room, picks up Kaner, carries him to his bedroom and tucks him into bed.]

Tazer [Leaning down to whisper in Kaner's ear]: We need you back soon, buddy. Get some sleep, okay?

[As Rinky and Tazer leave Kaner's room, Tazer turns on the Ewok night light next to the door.]

Rinky [To Tazer]: Sir, may I have a word with you before you retire for the rest of the evening?

Tazer: Of course, Rinkseh, what is it about?

[Tazer and Rinkesh walk back to Tazer's bedroom. Rinkesh gestures for Tazer to have a seat on the bed.]

Rinky: How are you feeling, sir?

Tazer: A few bumps and bruises, the usual for this time of year. Why do you ask?

Rinky: Just inquiring, sir. And your mental health, sir? How would you describe that?

Tazer: Oh, um, a little stressed out, I guess. Things are not as easy as they were last year. We are all trying to pick up the slack.

Rinky: I understand. You must feel a bit more pressure than the others though, considering you are the Captain.

Tazer: I suppose that is true.

Rinky: I see. Thank you, sir.

Tazer: Why are you asking me all these questions?

Rinky: Just checking in, sir. One more question, if I may, sir?

Tazer: Go ahead.

Rinky: Can you authenticate my pass code?

Tazer [With a blank look in his eyes and a flat voice]: State your pass code.

Rinky: Tomahawk.

Tazer: Pass code authenticated.

Rinky: Power down, sir.

[Tazer's head and shoulders slump forward as he nearly falls out off the edge of the bed. Rinky catches him then shoves him awkwardly back onto the bed.]

[From a different pocket, Rinkesh retrieves a mobile device]

Rinky: Dial Rockwell Wirtz.

[The mobile device rings several times before a connection is established.]

Rocky Wirtz [Via the Mobile device]: It's three o'clock in the morning, Rinkesh. What the hell do you want?

Rinky: Yes, sir, deepest apologies, sir. Number nineteen needs some maintenance, sir.

Rocky: Oh. I see. What's the problem?

Rinky: He's glowing again, sir and he's feeling a bit depressed.

Rocky: Hmm. Okay. Troubleshoot the glowing issue. There's probably a leak near the cold-fusion reactor. When you have that fixed, I'm going to need you to tweak his personal attributes processor settings.

Rinky: Is that wise, sir?

Rocky: It's a risk we're going to have to take. The team needs more from him this year and his humility and modesty are holding everyone back.

Rinky: I understand, sir.

Rocky: Let me know when it's done.

Rinky: Very well, sir. I will begin immediately, sir.

[Rinky terminates the connection and puts the mobile device back in his pocket. He leaves the bedroom and returns a few minutes later carrying a toolbox. A few minutes after that, Rinkesh has number nineteen's chest plate removed and is shining a flashlight into the cold fusion reactor, checking all the wiring and cabling. After a couple hours he eventually locates a power cable with a loose connector and replaces it. Then with a considerable amount of strenuous pushing and pulling, Rinky is able to flip Tazer onto his stomach and pull down Tazer's shorts. Just as Rinky is about to insert a USB cable into Tazer's anus, a voice from behind freezes his hand in mid-air.]

Kaner [Leaning on his crutches in the bedroom doorway]: What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky [Turns around to face Kaner]: Oh, good morning, sir.

Kaner: I knew it! Tazer is gay and likes small, brown, hairless boys!

Rinky: No, it is not like that sir.

Kaner [Growing agitated]: You're practically elbow deep in his ass! What the fuck is going on here? Tazer! What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky: He is not awake right now, sir.

Kaner [Confused and growing panicky]: What did you do? Did you drug him? Are you raping him?

Rinky: Calm down, sir. Let me explain.

Kaner: Explain what?! You were about to give him a rim job, weren't you?

Rinky: The man you know as Jonathan Toews is not, strictly speaking, human.

Kaner: What the fuck are you talking about?

Rinky: Technically he is a cybernetic organism or more commonly, a cyborg.

Kaner: Like a fucking robot?

Rinky: Not exactly, sir. He is partly biological and partly artificial.

Kaner: What the fuck?

Rinky: In terms you would understand, sir, he is very much like Darth Vader.

Kaner [Scared]: What the fuck?

Rinky: He is part man and part machine. He was created in a laboratory over twenty two years ago in a private endeavor funded by the Wirtz family.

Kaner: Mr. Wirtz?

Rinky: Just so. Or to be more precise, his father, William, is the one who originally underwrote the project.

[Kaner stares at Tazer's bare ass for a minute]

Rinky: I realize this must be a difficult situation to comprehend. You were never supposed to know. It is my own fault for taking too long with the repairs. I thought you would be sleeping for some time yet.

Kaner [Still staring at bare ass]: What repairs?

Rinky: You may have noticed that Master Toews sometimes appears to glow softly?

Kaner [Nodding his head]: I thought it was because he was holy...

Rinky: That is a concept that the Wirtz family and Mr. McDonough like to perpetuate - that he is a minor divinity. Actually, number nineteen is powered by a state-of-the-art cold-fusion nuclear reactor core. There was a loose power coupling that was leaking radiation and that is what was causing the glow.

Kaner: What's up with his ass?

Rinky: I was about to connect this USB cable from number nineteen to my laptop when you interrupted me. His data port is hidden behind his sphincter.

Kaner: That's sick, bro.

Rinky: It is a rather clever hiding place, I thought.

Kaner [Becoming more interested]: Does he take dumps?

Rinky: No, number nineteen does not produce waste.

Kaner: Wow.

Rinky: Indeed. Now, sir, please have a seat. You must stay off your feet as much as possible.

[Kaner goes back to his bedroom and pulls a chair into Tzaer's room. When he returns, Rinky has established a connection between number nineteen and the laptop.]

Kaner [Fully fascinated now, looking at the laptop's screen]: What are you doing?

Rinky: Mr. Wirtz has instructed me to modify number nineteen's personal attributes. His personality, if you will?

Kaner: Really? Sweet. Can you make him not be so queer?

Rinky [Typing on the keyboard]: I think you may be pleased with some of the changes I am going to make. I will be lowering his social inhibitions as well as his modesty and humility. I will also be increasing his aggression and combativeness. [Finishes typing] There. All done.

[Rinky unplugs the cable, pulls up number nineteen's shorts and again, with much effort, flips him onto his back.]

Kaner [Staring into number nineteen's chest cavity]: Holy shit! Motherfucking Vader!

Rinky: Oh, yes, I apologize. I still have to put his chest plate back on.

[Rinky grabs his tools again and in a few minutes he has the chest plate in place.]

Kaner [Leaning forward]: You don't even know it's there.

Rinky: Oh, yes, everything is quite seamless. Now, sir, I must tell you something and this is of paramount importance.

Kaner: S'up?

Rinky: Number nineteen, or Tazer if you prefer, is not self-aware. That is to say, he does not know that he is a cyborg.

Kaner: Huh.

Rinky: You must never give any indication that he is anything other than the teammate and friend you have always known him to be.

Kaner: I understand, dude.

Rinky: Go to the living room, sit down on the couch and turn on the television. We will be out shortly. Remember, you don't know anything.

Kaner: I got it, bro.

[Kaner goes back to the living room and starts watching Sesame Street.]

Tazer [From behind]: What up, Brometheus?

Kaner [Singing]: Sunny days, keeping the clouds away- [Whips his head around to look at Tazer] Brometheus?

Tazer: It's a motherfucking play on words, numb-nuts. An allusion to Greek mythology. You're about as quick as that asshole Boynton.

[Kaner stares at Tazer, shocked into silence]

Tazer: What are you looking at, slap-dick?

Kaner: Uh, nothing.

Tazer: You must be fucking queer or something, staring at me like that.

Kaner: I ain't fucking gay!

Tazer: I'm not gay either, hog-swallower.

Kaner: Homo!

Tazer: Knob-polisher!

Kaner: Butt-sniffer!

Tazer: Taint-licker!

Kaner: Ass-grabber!

Tazer: Jizz-junkie!

Kaner: Rump Ranger!

Rinky: Gentlemen, please!

[Tazer and Kaner both turn to look at Rinky]

Rinky: Master Kane is recovering from an injury and needs to rest. Master Toews, please refrain from raising his blood pressure.

Tazer and Kaner [Simultaneously, mumbled]: Sorry.

Tazer [Under his breath, to himself]: Dong-chaser.

Rinky: Now, what would you like for breakfast?

Kaner: I know Tazer wants a foot-long sausage.

Tazer: Motherfucker!

[Tazer jumps on the couch and starts boxing Kaner about the ears. Eventually Tazer gets Kaner into a full nelson with Kaner's face smashed into the couch cushions.]

Kaner [Muffled, into the cushions]: Help! Help! I'm being raped by a Canadian homo!

Tazer: I told you I am not a homo!

Kaner: Then why are you sitting on my ass?

Tazer [Mortified, looks down, then quickly leaps off the couch]: That was an accident!

Kaner: Butt pirate.

Rinky [To himself, slowly shaking his head in resignation]: Perhaps this was a bad idea.

Rinky [Aloud]: Breakfast, gentleman?

Tazer: Gimme a piece of poon and a brewski!

Kaner: Beer me!

Rinky [To himself]: Sweet Krishna, what have I done?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Call of Duty or Rock Band?

Kaner: Rock Band, bro!

[Rinky brings each of them a beer]

Tazer: One, two, three, pound it!

[They both drink their beers in three seconds]

Tazer: Rinky! Get your skinny brown ass on those drums!

Kaner [Gets up off the couch onto his crutches, then into his microphone]: We are FALCONHAWK!!!

Tazer: Fuckin' A, bro!

Rinky: God damn it.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

What NHL Contraction Would Look Like

I was having a hell of a time trying to come up with a way to write this post and then I got scooped and that made it considerably easier.

So let me send a big thank you to Helene Elliott of the LA Times for writing a piece on why the NHL should consider contraction. She makes the financial argument which I suppose is the only one that really matters in the end.

I was going for the more metaphysical angle about how hockey is a cultural thing and doesn't fit into warm weather cities (or Columbus). And then I was going to make the argument about how the NHL should embrace the fact that it is a niche sport and concentrate on promoting and pushing the game where, you know, it's popular, and um, cold.

But now I don't have to waste my time or yours by being the grumpy-old-man-hockey-purist and we can skip straight ahead to the fun part where we get to axe teams and play the re-alignment game!

Before I start chopping teams and breaking hearts let me just say that one of the best things that would come out of contraction would be the increase in the quality of play and rosters. I am giddy at the thought of it. I propose the NHL should contract six teams. If we redistributed the top two forward lines and the top two defensive pairs (36 forwards, 24 defensemen) each of the remaining 24 teams would receive, at the minimum, a new and improved forward line.

With the first pick in the 2012 NHL Contraction Draft, the Chicago Blackhawks select Rick Nash.

Let's do this thing.

In fashion hockey one day you're in, the next day you're out. So it is with a heavy heart that we must say auf wiedersehen to the following franchises:

• Columbus
• Carolina
• Nashville
• Florida
• Phoenix
• Atlanta

My plan also calls for relocating Tampa Bay to Hamilton, Ontario and while we're at it, we'll be eliminating the shootout in lieu of a ten minute four-on-four overtime. Games ending in a tie after the overtime, end in a tie. Three points for a win, one point for a tie.

With that in mind, let's take a look at a newly re-aligned NHL (with cool new division names).

Eastern Conference

Orr Division
-Boston
-NY Rangers
-NY Islanders
-Buffalo

Lemieux Division
-Pittsburgh
-Philadelphia
-New Jersey
-Washington

Beliveau Division
-Montreal
-Toronto
-Hamilton
-Ottawa

Western Conference

Howe Division
-Detroit
-Chicago
-St. Louis
-Minnesota

Gretzky Disvion
-Edmonton
-Calgary
-Vancouver
-San Jose

???? Division
-Los Angeles
-Colorado
-Anaheim
-Dallas

It's all so neat and tidy, is it not?

It's the same divisional set-up that MLB uses. In this universe, each division winner would make the playoffs plus one wild card team in each conference. That would be a total of eight playoff teams, or 33% of the league. That is a drastic departure from the current 53% of teams that qualify for the playoffs. Also in this scenario we would lose a round of playoffs, which I think is a great thing because it would shorten the season.

As far as the schedule goes, in this kind of set-up divisional games become very important. So I would propose the following:

• Six games against each division opponent (same as now) for a total of 18 games.
• Four games against each of the eight remaining teams in the conference (same as now) for a total of 32 games.
• Two games against each of the opposing conference teams for a total of 24 games.

That gives us a grand total of 74 games in the regular season which shaves two weeks off the length of the regular season, plus we would lose a round of playoff games which would save another two weeks. Who would like to wrap up the Cup Finals in early May? Here's two thumbs pointing at this guy.

A shorter regular season and post season would keep the players healthier, giving them a longer off-season to recover and rejuvenate. Ending the post season in early May would mean that the NHL and NBA playoffs would no longer go head to head on television which should equal higher ratings.

Another benefit of this system would be the increased importance of division games and regular season games in general. With only four playoff berths available, that places a premium on winning divisional games. Every Blackhawks-Red Wings game and Rangers-Islanders game would be that much more intense. This would be great for the NHL in promoting its' old-school inter-division rivalries.

My ???? Division worries me. First of all, it needs a name so if you have a suggestion, put it in the comments and secondly, those are four mediocre to bad teams. It's like the NL West over there. I guess the Giants are going to the World Series this year so maybe it's a bad comparison.

But whatever, I think overall it would be awesome and if I think it's awesome that means that Bettman thinks it's a pile of shit. And if Bettman thinks it's a pile of shit then we should institute my plan immediately.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

The NHL's Big Chance

I would never accuse Gary Bettman of being good at his job but as every hockey fan knows, sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. Eleven months from now, in September 2011, Bettman and the NHL have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to become very lucky indeed. The ironic twist to this story is that the NHL's good fortune would come at the expense of the NFL and NBA's labor issues.

The Collective Bargaining Agreements for both the NFL and NBA expire after the end of their respective 2010-11 seasons (February 28, 2011 for the NFL, June 30, 2011 for the NBA). The owners and unions in both leagues have been preparing for the possibility of a lockout for the last couple years. If it should come to pass that either the NFL or NBA starts canceling regular season games it would create a huge void on the sporting landscape. If they are smart (huge "If" there) NHL executives should be burning the midnight oil right now preparing strategies on how best to exploit the NFL and NBA's problems come next autumn.

Before I get ahead of myself on how the NHL might craft its' strategy, I wanted to see what the odds looked like for the likelihood that either league would actually lock out. I conducted an informal poll of people smarter than me and reached out to some NFL, NBA and sports media writers via e-mail and Twitter to gauge their feelings on whether regular season games would be missed next year. Here is what I found out:

Sam Farmer, NFL columnist for the LA Times, pegged the chances of an NFL lockout at 75%.

Dan Pompei, NFL columnist for the Chicago Tribune and The National Football Post wouldn't put a percentage on it but said "I think there is a decent chance the NFL will miss a game or two, but I wouldn't envision a prolonged work stoppage."

Jason Cole, who writes the Shutdown Corner (NFL) blog for Yahoo! Sports put the chances of missing games at 10%.

John Ourand, a media reporter for Sports Business Journal, wanted to make it clear that he had no inside knowledge but put the likelihood of a work stoppage in the NFL at 75% and said "Everyone I talk to is pessimistic."

Richard Deitsch, a media reporter for Sports Illustrated set the chance of the NFL missing games at 20% and the NBA at 10%. Deitsch also mentioned "Note that I'd always take Ourand's predictions on labor disputes well before mine."

Kelly Dwyer writes the Ball Don't Lie (NBA) blog for Yahoo! Sports and said "I'd be surprised if any games were missed, but I'd bet on a lockout from July through September."

Phil Taylor, who covers the NBA for Sports Illustrated says "I'd say NBA stoppage is 75% likely. Owners really want to roll back salaries, and players won't allow that without a fight. Once a work stoppage begins, I don't see either side backing down until regular season games are missed. 60 game season maybe."

Regarding the NBA's situation, the following is from an October 3, 2010 article in the Detroit Free Press by Vince Ellis.

But the league's labor situation is serious business, and Stuckey and other Pistons acknowledged that fact. It took a more serious tone last week when Wizards owner Ted Leonsis told D.C.-area business leaders he expects the NBA to adopt a hard salary cap similar to the NHL's model.

In what might be a record for pro sports leagues, he was hit with a $100,000 fine before the day was over by league commissioner David Stern for "unauthorized public comments regarding the league's collective bargaining negotiations."

"We're negotiating, and that was one of our negotiating points," Stern said, "but collective bargaining is a negotiating process, and that was not something that Ted was authorized to say, and he will be dealt with for that lapse in judgment."

Despite Stern's assertion, the term "cost certainty" has been bandied about by front-office types for some time. Cost certainty is definitely code for a hard cap. The league already has a salary cap, but it has been reported that the NBA seeks to get rid of the myriad of exceptions the team has to go over it. Stern said the league is losing money, and the league office says a new economic plan is needed for future viability.

But some say the exorbitant contracts tossed around this summer during free agency is proof that the league is doing fine. NBA union chief Billy Hunter has said that if the league insists on a hard cap, there will be a protracted labor battle. So when the current collective bargaining agreement expires June 30, the possibility looms that the league will call for a lockout, threatening the start of the 2011-12 season.

Please note that Ted Leonsis owns both the Washington Capitals (NHL) and the Washington Wizards (NBA). When the NHL owners and the NHL Players Association battled over the institution of a hard salary cap it cost the league the entire 2004-05 season. Could the same kind of work stoppage be on tap for the NBA in 2011? It certainly sounds possible.

All of that sets the table for me to try and read the tea leaves. It feels inevitable that either the NFL or NBA is going to miss regular season games next year. My personal opinion is that the NFL owners would have to be overcome by a monumental case of hubris to be willing to strangle the golden goose that is their league. The NBA has a recent history of missing regular season games (in 1998-99 the NBA played a 50 game season due to a lock out) and I am more inclined to believe that the NBA's players and owners are more arrogant than the NFL's.

So let's look the scenarios.

Scenario #1: NBA Plays a Partial Schedule, NFL Continues as Normal.

This is the one I think is most likely to occur. In this case, the blitzkrieg that is the NFL will roll on, crushing television ratings and advertising rates like so many Polands and Czechoslovakias. I don't see a lot of potential for the NHL here. Let's say that Phil Taylor is correct and that the NBA plays a shortened 60 game season. That would not leave much opportunity for the NHL to exploit NBA fans other than to offer an indoor sporting event at the same venues where they would normally watch basketball. Is there a crossover appeal between basketball and hockey fans? My gut says no. All the hockey fans I know could care less about the NBA and I imagine the inverse is true. One possible opportunity for the NHL in this situation is if an NBA lockout lasted past Christmas (the 50 game schedule in 1998 did not start until February 5). That would open the door for the NHL to poach Christmas Day off the NBA's television schedule. The NBA uses Christmas Day to kick off its' network television schedule with a double-header, promoting the league's biggest stars and rivalries (LAL-BOS, MIA-LAL, MIA-BOS). Traditionally, the NHL goes dark on Christmas. That tradition would need to be shelved in the service of widening exposure for the league. How do you feel about something like all the Original Six teams playing each other on a Christmas Day triple header (CHI-DET, MTL-TOR, NYR-BOS)? I think that sounds beyond fantastic. Not only would you have three great, traditional games on a national network, you would be able to use those games to promote the Winter Classic the following week on New Year's Day.

Scenario #2: NBA Cancels Season, NFL Continues as Normal.

This could help the NHL in a couple ways. Faced with the prospect of no basketball at all, I could see NHL teams picking up a few new season ticket holders and maybe a small bump in television ratings, especially on weeknights in December, January and February when hoops fans would be used to watching the NBA. I think most NBA fans would probably look to spend their money and television time on college hoops as an alternative rather than the NHL though.

Scenario #3: The NFL Cancels Anything

This is where things start to get interesting. If we get to a point where it looks like the NFL is going to start missing games and/or cancel the season the NHL needs to be ready to seamlessly fill the void. I believe the appeal of the NHL is much more closely aligned with an NFL fan than the NBA fan although I have no evidence to back that up (I did google it though).

The most important factor in all of this speculation is the timing. Not only are the NFL and NBA's Collective Bargaining Agreements expiring next spring, so are the NHL's television broadcasting rights agreements. When the NHL starts meeting with prospective bidders, one of their bargaining chips with the television executives should be the possibility of missed games in the NBA and NFL, especially the NFL.

Just as professional athletes have performance-based incentives in their contracts, I would propose the NHL do the same thing in their next broadcasting deal. For example, say the NFL starts canceling games, then the NHL should have some contractual language worked into the next broadcast rights agreement that they would receive a cut of the ads sold on games aired during the NFL's traditional time slots on Sundays and Monday.

Oh, yeah. I went there. In my opinion, the cornerstone of this whole thought experiment is based on Sundays. The NHL should be thinking about some kind of triple-header for every Sunday with games at 1:00, 4:00 and 8:00 ET. These would ideally be inter-divisional games, rivalry games, Original Six vs. Original Six games and rarely seen match-ups between Eastern and Western Conference teams (CHI-WAS, LA-PIT, VAN-BOS, etc.). From what I understand, watching sports on a Sunday is an American thing so I don't know how this would apply to Canada but as Grand Funk Railroad sang, "We're an American blog!"

But I digress.

One problem here is that NFL season starts in early September and the NHL season starts in Early October. The NFL would have to miss at least five or six weeks of games for the NHL to be able to start exploiting that situation. Just to be clear though, if the NHL was able to start broadcasting day games on NFL Sundays then they would be looking at the possibility of capturing a bigger audience for their product than anything in the league's history. Say your average national 1:00 or 4:00 NFL game gets between 10-15 million viewers. If the NHL could capture thirty percent of that audience, it would be record-breaking for regular season hockey.

Even if the NFL missed no games or a few games, it still might be an interesting experiment for a network to try and counter-program the NFL for a season with an NHL triple-header on Sundays. The hockey games might make a decent rating just based on the sloppy seconds, thirds and fourths over-flowing from the tens of millions of people watching football on Sundays. Although I admit I would still watch the Bears if they were head to head against the Hawks.

I will give the NHL credit for something they have done well (maybe because Bettman isn't involved in it) and that is its' advertising and promotions. Whoever the NHL's next broadcasting partner is, they will need to be willing to team up with the league and go all-in on pumping up the league, the rivalries and personalities on Sundays as an alternative to the NFL. If the NFL missed five or six weeks that would provide the NHL with more national exposure than it has ever gotten. The NHL and their broadcasting partner would need to hit a home run with an advertising campaign, something viral over the course of the summer leading into the fall. One thing I think the NHL consistently does right are its' commercials and online presence.

That's all I've got. It would take a lot of stars to line up properly for the NHL to benefit from any of these scenarios but I think work stoppages will happen for either the NBA or NFL and it behooves the NHL to be prepared to step in and satisfy the appetite of those fans with a game that is both faster and higher scoring than it has ever been while still maintaining its' traditions and rivalries.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

Gambling and Game 1

Still no new Odd Couple, obviously. And honestly, I don't know when a new on is going to go up. I am just not feeling it right now. The thing is, there has to be inspiration and once the inspiration evaporates I would be forcing it and that would result in an unfunny, horrible cliche of a piece. Part 3 of the Tri-Poon Tournament may not get resolved until the the All-Star Break or even next summer for all I know.

Here are a couple things that are inspiring me right now: The start of the new NHL season and gambling.

The Hawks dropped their season opener in Colorado last night but still salvaged a point. They looked disjointed and sloppy most of the first two periods. I felt like they were chasing the pace and flow of the game and letting Colorado dictate the action. While I am very much looking forward to the banner-raising and hoopla on Saturday night, teams tend to perform quite badly in these home openers following a championship season. How can you play a game and look forward to the new season with all the reminders of last season being shoved in your face for an hour before the game?

I am hoping for the best with the gopher man-child known as Nick Leddy but after last night I am prepared for the worst. He was caught in the weeds a couple times. I don't envy him being thrown directly into the fire like this. That is one hell of a steep learning curve. I guess the best case scenario is that be gets progressively better over the course of the next month and when Campbell is ready to return, Leddy can drop down to the third pairing where his deficiencies would be less exposed. I am sure they'll end up sending him to Rockford instead although I am going to pre-emptively disagree with that decision.

If you (Bowman and Q) think the kid is ready for live ammunition right now, why would you send him down to the AHL after a month in the show? Unless of course his play is so bad that he makes the decision easy for them.

My Hossa love grows. It is a genuine pleasure to watch that guy play. I love to watch him back check, I love to watch him kill penalties, I am sure I would love to watch him wash dishes.

How the fuck did he pick this rocket out of the air and re-direct it? He's got vampire reflexes, y'all. That embed link seems to be busted so if the video doesn't load try HERE.

I don't think I have talked much about gambling on this blog before. That's about to change. My name is Noah and I am a degenerate gambler. Mostly I play blackjack and poker but now I am dipping my toe into the waters of sports-betting.

I made two wagers this week. First, I bet $135 to win $100 that Kris Versteeg will score over 45.5 points this season. This feels so right that I am sure it will be a bust. He's moving from the Hawks third line where he was forced to be defensively responsible to the Maple Leafs top line where he will be free to let his more offensive flights of fancy take off. Plus he will be logging crazy minutes on the top power play unit. Of course he got zero points last night. Anyone remember the double toe-drag from last year?

The second bet I made this week is a two-team tease in the NFL (I bet $70 to win $63). I teased the Rams to +9 at Detroit and Kansas City to +14.5 at Indy. I'm feeling pretty good about that bet. I am sure it will also bust.

I am in a pool with 4 other guys in which we pick every NFL game each week against the spread. This year we each put in $25, so the winner will get $125. Somehow, I am in first place in that pool. If I remember, I will put my weekly picks up on the blog before the games start on Sunday.

Speaking of this weeks games...the Bears...Jesus...what do I say after that game in New York? What an embarrassment. Actually, the defense continued to play well. The offensive line, though. Holy shit. It looked like the Giants were playing a pee-wee team. So now the Todd Collins era begins. I think they would be better off with Caleb Hanie starting. I don't know why they demoted him to third string and brought Collins in to begin with. Oh, wait, yes I do. It's because coaches and GM's are pussies who value saving their jobs above all else so they brought Collins in so they could suck on the pacifier that is a "veteran quarterback". Fuck that. Play the best player and to me that is clearly Hanie. At least Hanie can scramble which you're going to need to be able to do with the offensive line the Bears are running out there.

As happy and surprised as I am to see the Bears sitting at 3-1, part of me really hopes they go in the tank and finish at 6-10 (as I predicted before the season) so that the McCaskeys can finally clean house and get rid of Ted Phillips, Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith. I can't take it anymore. The terrible drafts, the terrible in-game and clock management, the ill-advised challenge flags but mostly the horrible drafting. They all need to go.

Let's go Rams (plus 9)! Let's go Chiefs (plus fourteen and a half)!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!