Hawks Thoughts, Round 1, Game 4

/Turns on flashlight

/Tentatively steps inside

/Blows the digital cobwebs away

Umm... Is anyone home?

/A bat flies over head and out the door

Well, uh, I guess it's been a while since we've talked.

/Checks the date.

Two months? Yikes. Sorry about that. I don't have much to say about "why" other than...this happens to me.  I get depressed for a while and it takes some time to cycle out of it.  As the days grow longer, I seem to be emerging from this most recent down time and that's a good thing.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I'm still around. Still engaged with the Hawks and the season. Still ranting and dropping "motherfuckers" like I'm getting paid for it.

When I'm depressed, sometimes I feel like all I have are my teams. Each game is like a lantern in the darkness. If I can just make it to the next lantern, I'll be fine. So I shuffle along from game to game, downloading pleasure or pain from each result into a brain that is otherwise numb to external stimuli.

So that's where I've been.

How have the Hawks been? Well, like most things in life, I think this question can be answered by a quote from the big Lebowski. "Oh, you know, strikes and gutters. Ups and downs."

The Dude Abides from Ryan Hopman on Vimeo.

The last time I blogged (mid-February) The Hawks were in the middle of the Streak-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named.  Tazer got concussed and missed the last quarter of the season but the boys pulled their shit together and made it into the playoffs.

So here we sit a few hours before Game 4 against Phoenix, down 2-1 in the series and Marian Hossa is sitting at home nursing....something.

Unless you think the Hawks can win three in a row to close out the Yotes, tonight is a must-win game. No two ways about that. And I do not think the Hawks can beat Phoenix thrice in a row. So, yeah, must win.

Brandon Saad is back up with big boys tonight, filling in for Hoss in the top 6. I'd like to see lines like so:

Saad-Toews-Kane
Sharp-Kruger-Stalberg

The kid might as well be wearing a question mark on the back of his jersey instead of 43. (43, really? That's the best they can come up with for him? Such a putrid number. How about 23? That's a great Chicago number [Sandberg, Hester, Jordan]. At least give him something to work with. 43 looks awful. Like a donut laying on a staircase or something.)

But I digress.

I think we are all hoping he shows up tonight and goes sick with a hatty or something. But that shit never happens. Usually in these kinds of situations, you barely notice the rook. The moment is too big. I wouldn't be surprised if he pissed himself a little bit during the anthem.  I would.

Every game has been close. Every game has gone to overtime. I doubt tonight will be any different. It would be such a relief to drop six or seven on them but their goalie, Smith, is too good for any of the nonsense we've seen in the PIT-PHI series. Although I will say that Smith displays an astonishing amount of testicular fortitude playing the puck out of his net as much as he does.  I predict that this high wire act with the puck will come back to bite him in the ass before these playoffs are over.  Maybe not in this series but if they move on, something bad is going to happen with him jerking off in the trapezoid at some point.

(Good band name: Jerking Off in the Trapezoid. Probably some kind of futuristic drug-addled jam band. "Dude, did you go to the Trapezoid show last week? So sick, bro! I was so psyched when they opened with 'Carnival Barker's Daughter' I was rolling so hard.")

I digress again.

The Hawks top 6, even minus Hossa, is so much more talented than than Phoenix. That difference in class has to start asserting itself soon, as in, like, right motherfucking now, tonight. I don't feel like Q gave the 10-16-25 line enough time together at the beginning of the series. They were rocking something special together at the end of the season. But one game without a point was enough for the moustache and he pulled the slot machine handle.

Let's try putting the band back together for at least one night, eh? And if you're going to play Saad, then give him the best chance at succeeding by putting him with the two best play makers on the team in Tazer and Kaner. I read a couple tweets from the beat writers that they might put Saad with Kane and Brunette. Please, God, no. Brunette cannot move. He is useless in 5-on-5 situations. I only like him on the power play behind the goal line. Kane and Saad are dynamic play-making scorers. Putting them with Brunette would be like chaining an anchor to the rear axle of a Ferrari. JUST DON'T DO IT, Q. Resist the urge. Use the force.

That's all I've got right now.

I promise to try and blog more frequently.

You can follow me on Twitter @nCornick

Game 7

Let's all remember one thing before looking ahead to Game 7: The Hawks were the second-best team on the ice for the majority of Game 6.  Reading through my tweets from the game it's amazing how easy it is to forget how terrible the Hawks played.  The euphoria of an Overtime winner washes away all sins.

Here's a sampling of some of my tweets highlighting my frustration during Game 6:

VAN isn't rolling over like bitches in the corners when battling for pucks. Hawks need 2 assert themselves and fight 2 the death 4 the puck.

Depsite SOG totals, VAN is dictating the pace/flow of the game. Hate to ask this but any time Tazer wants to score is cool w/ me. Or Kane.

Unforgivable sin to get outworked at home in an elimination game.

Getting out-worked and out-desired again along the boards. Not cool. VAN wants to end this right now they aren't fucking around.

Yeah, it wasn't all puppy dogs and rainbows last night.

And I didn't even mention the dumb passes at the blue line, stupid turnovers, a horrid power play and an utter inability to clear the zone.  I died about a thousand times during the overtime when Vancouver set up shop in the Hawks zone for minutes at a time.

The Canucks out-worked the Hawks, period.  But maybe it wasnt't a matter of desire or which team wanted it more.  Here's a post-game quote (via Brian Hedger on NHL.com) from Henrik Sedin that I think is telling.

Q: Emotionally, does it hurt even more to lose a game this way?

Sedin: I'd rather see us lose this way than lose 7-2 or whatever. We worked hard. We played the way we wanted to. Thought we took over halfway through the game and we've got to keep doing that on Tuesday. They looked tired out there.

"They looked tired out there," is the phrase that pays in that quote.  It's been written about a lot this season but these guys have a ton of miles on them, especially the top guys (Hossa has played in the Finals each of the last three seasons plus the 2010 Olympics).  It's blasphemous to say this but some of the guys might have been better off if they didn't make the playoffs so they could have had a full off-season to rest their bodies and in Duncan Keith's case, their minds.

I'm not sure how much "being tired" will play into a Game 7 though.  In that situation, both teams will kill themselves to win the game.  For Vancouver though, much more is riding on the outcome of Game 7 than just a series. Ed Willes of The Province wrote:

For all the intrigue and drama already generated by the two teams through the first six games of their Western Conference quarterfinal – and Game 6 on Sunday night was basically The Godfather, Gladiator and Avatar rolled into one three-and-a-half hour epic - the final act will define this edition of the Vancouver Canucks for the next five years.

This is a franchise-altering game for Vancouver.  If they can beat the Hawks and slay that psychological dragon then maybe they'll be able to realize their potential and their expectations of winning a Cup.  If they lose, people are going to start losing their jobs, starting the Head Coach Alain Vigneault.  As it has been all series, the pressure to win is on Vancouver.  The Hawks have their championship rings. There is a degree of refuge in the knowledge that you have already climbed the mountain.

Even if the Hawks beat Vancouver in Game 7, where does that leave them going forward?  Do they have enough in the tank to make another run at the Cup?  I doubt it.  I don't want to think that way but if they are gassed through six games of the quarterfinals, how much further can they realistically go?

But that's getting ahead of ourselves.  Game 7 comes first, and as I said, being tired doesn't really factor into that equation.  To illustrate this point, here's a clip from one of my all time favorite movies, Almost Fmous.  Replace "New York" with "Game Seven" in the dialogue and I think it works.  (Note: Only the beginning part of the clip applies.  The part about losing one's virginity probably only applies to Ben Smith.)

Leave a pint of blood on the ice guys.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow.

Turn on My Heartlight

I thought the Hawks were dead.  I think we all thought they were dead.  Three days ago, before Game 4, I was writing the obituary for the season and what we could be looking forward to this off season. But did you know that there's a big difference between all dead and mostly dead?  Apparently the Hawks were only mostly dead.  Which means they were still slightly alive.

Hold on, hold on.  Let Billy Crystal explain it.

The Hawks needed a miracle and it materialized in the form of Dave Bolland.  You can add him to the list of guys who have returned to hockey from extended absences due to injury and have done something special in their first game back.  Adam Burish and Marc Savard are two names that jump to mind who also have recently had big "return games".

They got a second miracle when Duncan Keith and Marian Hossa remembered how to play hockey in Game 5.

By the way, I'm adding Marian Hossa's rock em sock em goal celebration to my list of favorite things in the galaxy.  It smells better than a new car.  Look at this thing.

Anyway, now it's back to Chicago for Game 6 and the Hawks are feeling the flow.  Trying to understand this team is like trying to unravel the Gordian Knot.  They wait until they are one shovel's worth of dirt away from being buried alive and then climb out of the grave and cock punch the Canucks across the continent.  Twice.  How do you reckon that happens?

Maybe it took them 85 games to figure out who they are.  Hell, I don't know, maybe Ben Smith is the answer to all their problems.  Maybe all it took was a Raffi Torres cheap shot to send this team into orbit.

Maybe there are no answers. Yeah, I'm going to go with that for now.  There are no answers except that they ain't dead yet, their heart is still beating and there is another hockey game Sunday night.  Take it away Neil.

 PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow.

The Odd Couple, Episode 16: 2011 Playoffs, Round 1, Vancouver

[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's downtown Vancouver hotel suite.  Tazer is asleep in an adjoining room.  It's after midnight.  Kaner is eating a bowl of Trix cereal.  The only light in the suite is from the glow of the television which is playing Kaner's DVD of Pinocchio, the 1940 Disney animated classic.  Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's faithful valet, is also present.]

Kaner: [To Rinky, with a mouthful of cereal and gesturing at the screen with his spoon.] I saw a blue fairy once, bro.

Rinky: [To Kaner] Indeed?

Kaner: I was on shrooms, tripping balls.

Rinky: Psilocybin mushrooms do have that effect, sir.

Kaner: Word.

[Kaner remains silent for several moments while eating his cereal and watching the movie.]

Kaner: Do you think if we caught a Blue Fairy we could get her to turn Tazer into, you know, a real boy? Like Pinocchio?

Rinky: I don't believe there is any scientific evidence supporting the existence of fairies, sir.

Kaner: Crosby's a fairy.

Rinky: In the pejorative sense, perhaps.

Kaner: So you don't think Tazer could ever be a real boy?

Rinky: It depends, sir.  In this plane of existence...[Rinky gestures to the room around them]...no, I do not believe it is possible to transform a cyborg into a human being.

Kaner: What do you mean, "this plane"?

Rinky: Our existence as animals on this planet and in this universe does not occur within a conventional linear construct of time and space.  Certainly, as self aware and sentient beings, we must acknowledge the presence of multiple realities, parallel realities, supernatural powers and the simple unknowable mysteries of the universe.

Kaner: I'm an animal?

Rinky: You are a metaphorical animal as well as a literal animal.

Kaner: Duuude.

[Kaner continues eating his cereal.]

Kaner: Can I be an iguana?

Rinky: For millennia human beings have explored ways to interact with some of those alternate or parallel realities in order to better understand the natural world around them and their place within it.  If you were to undertake such an exploration, perhaps it is possible you could find a way to transform master Toews from machine to man.

Kaner: [Musing to himself] Maybe Tazer wouldn't be such a cock-wrangler if he was a real boy.

Kaner: [Aloud to Rinky] How do I do it, Rinks?

Rinky: Give me a moment, sir.

[Rinky leaves the room then returns after a few minutes. He hands Kaner what looks like a cigar-sized joint.]

Kaner: [Suddenly excited, bouncing up and down on the couch] Four twenty, bro! We gonna blaze!

Rinky: This is not cannabis, sir.

Kaner: [Crestfallen] Dude?

Rinky: Like Cannabis though, it is ingested via smoking.  This is Sliene capensis or African Dream Root, a plant used by South African Shamen to induce vivid and lucid dreaming states.

Kaner [Brightening] Dude!

Rinky: You may experience hallucinations or other similar psycho-pharmacologic phenomena.  If you are able to ride the wave, it is possible that you might be able to find the answer to your question about matser Toews.

Kaner: [Singing while dancing around the living room] Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea!  And frolicked in the autumn mist, in a land called Honah Lee!

Rinky: Please sit down, sir.

Kaner: [Moves to sit down on the couch] Smoking, toking, blazing, baking, puffing, huffing, gonna get highhhhhhhhh!

[Kaner sits down on the couch and after lighting up, he begins to smoke down the African Dream Root.  By the time he is done, Kaner's eyes have taken on a glassy, distant appearance.]

Kaner: [Looks around and finds himself on a empty, featureless plain, tinged in purple] Where am I?

Unidentified voice: You're questing.

[Kaner spins to his left to find a short leafless tree that was not there a second before.  A large bright green iguana is stretched out along one of its' branches at about the same height as Kaner's head.]

Kaner: Iguana!

Iguana: Fuckin A', broseph.

Kaner: Dude!

Iguana: Dude.

Kaner: What the fuck?

Iguana: What. The. Fuck.

Kaner: Where am I?

Iguana: You're questing.

Kaner: Who the fuck are you, then?

Iguana: Spirit guide, a copy of a copy, an image reflected in a pool. A bro.

Kaner: Bro-ham?

Iguana: Bro-metheous

Kaner: Dude?

Iguana: [With a slight bow] Your Dudeness.

Kaner: What's my quest?

Iguana: Overcome an obstacle. Then, if you are successful, you may beseech the Hockey Gods for assistance in what you seek.

Kaner: I'm fucking high.

Iguana: You're flying like a G-6.  Now, to the obstacle.

[The empty plain is replaced by a cozy family-style Italian restaurant. Kaner finds himself sitting at a candle lit booth with a red and white checkered tablecloth.  Seated across from Kaner are Daniel and Henrik Sedin of the Vancouver Canucks.]

Kaner: [Nods at the one on the right] Tubesteak one. [Nods at the one on the left] Tubesteak two.

Twins: [Simultaneously] Patrick Kane.

[As their waiter approaches the table, Kaner sees that it's the iguana, standing on its' two hind legs, wearing a tuxedo.]

Iguana: Good evening gentlemen.  For this evening's obstacle, Patrick will need to properly identify which twin is Henrik and which twin is Daniel.  Good luck.

[The iguana walks away]

Kaner: Fuck.

Twin on Left: No one-

Twin on right: -Can tell us apart.

Kaner: [To himself] Fuckers. I got this shit.  It's like one of those puzzles in Highlights.

[Kaner spends the next five minutes examining every minute detail of each twins' face].

Kaner: Boom!

Twin on Left: Please-

Twin on Right: -Tell us-

Twin on Left: -What-

Twin on Right: -You know.

Kaner: Here it is, fuckos.  [Kaner nods at the twin on the right] Fuckface one, you're Daniel. You've got some very slight wrinkling at the corner of your eyes.  Every thirty seconds or so I noticed that you squint your eyes a tiny bit. You do it so often that you don't even know you're doing it.  You're the submissive bottom twin.  You have an electronic anal stimulation device rammed up your pooper that buzzes every thirty seconds.  You have submitted yourself to the MVP power of Henrik.  I bet he's got your nipples clamped too.

Twin on Right: [Looks at Twin on Left] My nipples and anus are sore, Henrik.

Henrik: [To Daniel] I crave your submission.

Daniel: [To Henrik] I crave your domination.

Kaner: Fucking Swedes. Fucking weirdos. Jesus Christ. Iguana!

[The iguana appears at the table]

Kaner: [To the iguana] Are we fucking done here?

Iguana: Yes.

[Kaner is standing on a frozen pond. It is snowing. The evergreen trees around the pond are tall and silent.]

Huge Disembodied Voice #1:[From the skies above the pond] Why hast thou come unto the holiest of holies?

Kaner: [Falteringly] I'm- I'm- questing.

HDV #1: A QUESTER!

Huge Disembodied Voice #2: [From the skies above the pond] Who is this quester?!

Kaner: Patrick Kane.

HDV #2: Kane? Ahhhhhhhh........ A young......and......recent.......champion. You hath lifted our Grail......Sipped from it......Hath known the pleasures it bestows............Yes........Kane...........We doth knowest of you.

Kaner: I am honored, sirs.

HDV #2: State your business.

Kaner: I would like to ask your honors if you could turn my best friend into a real boy. Like Pinocchio.

HDV #1: Thou dost ask much.

HDV #2: TOO MUCH! Impudent child!

[Kaner falls to his knees and presses his forehead to the ice in supplication. Silence falls over the pond.]

Kaner: [In a small voice] He captained the Cup-winning team, sirs.  Jonathan Toews?

HDV #2: Toews? A worthy experiment. He didst prove our theory that an artificial intelligence couldst succeed in our game.

HDV #1: Perhaps. How wouldst he fare as a mere mortal though?

HDV #2: An intriguing query.

[Silence descends again over the pond for several minutes.]

HDV #1: WE, THE GODS OF HOCKEY, DEMAND A SACRIFICE!

Kaner: [To himself] Oh, shit.

HDV #2: THOU SHALL REFRAIN FROM THE INTAKE OF ANY ILLICIT SUBSTANCE, BE IT NARCOTIC OR ALCOHOLIC FOR A TERM OF ONE YEAR.

HDV #1: ALSO! THOU SHALL REFRAIN FROM SEXUAL INTERCOURSE UP TO AND INCLUDING HANDIES, BJ'S, SELF PLEASURE AND THE GIVING OR RECEIVING OF ORAL PLEASURE FOR A TERM OF ONE YEAR!

HDV #2: In return for these sacrifices, at the end of the term, Toews will be transformed into a human being.

Kaner: Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............................................

HDV #2: Do you accept these terms?

Kaner: Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............................................

HDV #1: DO YOU ACCEPT THESE TERMS!?

Kaner: [Weakly] I do.

HDV #2: Good. Return to us then in one year's time.

Kaner: Can I ask a question before I go?

HDV #2: I do not knoweth. Canst thou?

Kaner: May I ask a question?

HDV #1: You may.

Kaner: Sirs, I grew up in Buffalo.  

HDV #2: Yes, Hull was in the crease. It should have been disallowed.

Kaner: [Sobbing] WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????? WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HDV #1: Because it was Buffalo. Some things in this universe are beyond the control of even the Gods.

HDV #2: BE GONE!

[Back in the suite, the morning light is streaming through the windows. Tazer finds Kaner passed out on the couch.  Tazer easily picks up Kaner and carries him to his bedroom.]

Tazer: [To Rinky] He is not eating enough, Rinkesh.

Rinky: I'll work on it, sir.

[Tazer tucks Kaner into bed under his Return of the Jedi sheets.]

Tazer: [To Kaner] Sleep well, Patrick. The play-offs start tonight.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow.