"They're gone...and we couldn't do nothing about it."

Please see the clip below for further clarification.

Like a bullet to the back of Tommy's head, the Coyotes put a swift end to the Hawks season on Monday night. I'll leave the autopsies to those better equipped for such endeavors. See HERE and HERE.

No, what I am here to write about today is the yawning chasm that confronts all of us now that our NHL season is over: the endless summer. The best way to approach the summer, in my view, is to take it in bite-sized chunks. If your sole focus is mid-September, waiting for training camp to start, you'll go mad. So I have taken the liberty to look ahead at the summer calendar to see what I could find to keep ourselves occupied.

The hope is that we'll be able to distract ourselves with various baubles and trinkets from week to week and month to month so that we barely recognize that the summer has slipped past us and it's already time to drop the puck again.

In order to help you navigate these hot, barren months, I have developed a highly technical algorithm. This formula will assign a value to assist in determining if a summer event is worth your time. The unit of measurement derived from this formula is called a Kaner.

Here is the formula:

(ENTERTAINMENT FACTOR [Scale of 1-10] + DRINKABILITY [Scale of 1-10] + GAMBLING POSSIBILITIES [Scale of 1-10]) * DAYS CONSUMED = RAW SCORE

RAW SCORE ÷ 10 = NUMBER OF KANERS 

In addition to assigning a numerical value to every event, I have also reached out to Kaner himself to see how he is planning on spending his free time this summer. Please see the WWKD? (What Would Kaner Do?) note after each entry for a summary of number 88's thoughts.*

*I have not reached out to Kaner. I made all of this up.

Week of April 23

The NFL Draft (4/26 - 4/28)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 9
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: 3
Kaners: 5



WWKD?: Thursday night - Drink a case of Michelob Ultra waiting for the Bills to pick at number 10. Celebrate the Bills pick with a rail of coke. Eat a bowl of Kraft mac and cheese. Fall asleep in front of the TV under a Bills blanket.

Week of April 30

The Avengers (Releases 5/4)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .35 (Rounding up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the red head's tittays."

The Kentucky Derby (5/5)

Entertainment Factor: 8
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 10
Days Consumed: 1 (If you're gambling all day on all the races. As you should be.)
Kaners: 2.8 (Rounding up to 3 Kaners)



WWKD?: Charter a jet and fly some of his Buffalo home boys down to Louisville for the weekend. Party for 48 hours straight. Get drunk on the roof of an RV in the infield at Churchill downs. Pass out shirtless while sporting an empty PBR box as a hat. Receive a sternly worded voicemail from Blackhawks President John McDonough after a shaky cell phone video surfaces on Deadspin of Kaner receiving a drunken handjob from a young lady in the stall of Derby favorite Union Rags.

Week of May 21

Memorial Day Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Shrooms with his boys on the deck of his new house on Lake Erie. Friday night - Mexican food and a river of tequila. Saturday afternoon - Go-Karting with the Kane family. Saturday night - Beer pong, then prank call Tazer, pretending to be a homosexual Sidney Crosby looking for a booty call. Sunday afternoon - Mini-golf with the Kane sisters at the course built on his property (18th green is a ten foot tall, rotating, Stanley Cup). Sunday night - Roll on some E, turn on the Jimmy Buffett, then sex with two high-priced (for Buffalo) escorts. Monday morning - Put the American flag out on the front porch. Salute the flag. Recite The Gettysburg Address verbatim from memory. Rest of Monday - Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, lawn darts, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, croquet, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, Recite The Gettysburg Address again, cry, shots, pass out in a hammock.

Week of June 11

U.S. Open Golf Tournament

Entertainment Factor: 5
Drinkability: 6
Gambling Possibilities: 7
Days Consumed: 2 (Only counting Saturday and Sunday here. Only losers watch Thursday and Friday. Note: I will watch Thursday and Friday.)
Kaners: 3.6 (round down to 3.5 Kaners)

WWKD?: Saturday, all day - Mute the volume of the television broadcast of the U.S. Open. Smoke two ounces of peyote. Embark on a vision quest with Phil Mickelson as spirit guide. Sunday morning - Church with the family. Rest of Sunday - Watch the Open while working on some technical drawings of a new, top secret beer funnel that Kaner described as a "game-changer". 

Week of June 18

NHL Draft (5/22-23)

Entertainment Factor: 3
Drinkability: 7
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: 1 (If you watch any of the second day, seek out a mental health professional. Note: I will watch all of the second day.)
Kaners: 1

WWKD?: Call your agent and get the phone number of the Blackhawks first round pick. Pretending you are Tazer, text the draft pick and tell him to make sure he has 2 kilos of coke, six strippers, and a keg of Natty Ice waiting in the dressing room on the first day training camp or you will make his life a living hell. Remind him you won the Conn Fucking Smythe Award. Remind him that there is a motherfucking lake named after you in northern Manitoba.

Brave (Releases 5/22)

Entertainment Factor: 8 (It's Pixar. Odds are that it will be awesome.)
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .4 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "How old is that chick? 16? 17? Too young, broseph. Hot though. Maybe I'll hit her up next summer. Remind me."

Week of June 25

NHL Free Agency (Opens 7/1)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 1
Gambling Possibilities: 7 (If any free agent signings affect the odds of your team winning the Cup)
Days Consumed: 3 (For the sake of argument, let's just agree that the first three days of free agency are the most interesting)
Kaners: 4.5 (Round up to 5 Kaners)

WWKD?: Arrange for an erotic gift basket to be sent to every free agent the Blackhawks sign. The note inside every basket reads: "Welcome to the Hawks! Please enjoy these dildos, cock rings, and flavored lubricants compliments of me! See you on the ice in September!" (signed "Kaner").  

Week of July 2

The Amazing Spider-Man (Released 7/3)

Entertainment Factor: 5 (Will probably be total shit)
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .25 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the blonde chick's tittays."

4th of July Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Bourbon and bottle rockets. Friday night - Bacardi 151, M-80s, and a donkey show. Saturday afternoon - Role play as Thomas Jefferson with high-priced (for Buffalo) black escort playing the part of a slave girl. Saturday night - Drop acid. Prank call Tazer and tell him that his cock and balls have declared their independence and that they are now part of the gay rights movement. Sunday afternoon - Church with the family. Sunday night - Dinner with the family. Smoke a bowl. Watch Dumbo with the family and cry like a baby. Monday morning - Put the American flag out on the front porch. Salute the flag. Blast Stars and Stripes Forever so loud that it wakes up the neighbors. Rest of Monday - Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, lawn darts, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, croquet, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, fireworks, shots, pass out in a hammock. 

Week of July 16

The Dark Knight Rises (Releases 7/20)

Entertainment Factor: 8
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .4 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the brunette's tittays."

July 27 - August 12

2012 Summer Olympics

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 4
Gambling Possibilities: 5
Days Consumed: 17
Kaners: 32.3 Kaners (Round down to 32 Kaners)

WWKD?: Get high on angel dust before watching the opening and closing ceremonies. Jack off to every female athlete that appears on the television screen, including the horses in the equestrian events.

Week of August 27

Labor Day Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Hit up Great America in Gurnee. Smoke a shitload of weed in the parking lot before going into the park. Spend all afternoon eating funnel cakes. Forget to go on any rides. Hits on the girl running the ski-ball game. Asks her if she ever had a bro skeet on her tatas. Friday night - Invite Shaw, Hayes, Bolling, and Carcillo over to his Downtown Chicago condo. Shotgun brews, watch the Playboy Channel, and play Candyland until 5:00 AM. Saturday Afternoon - Throw out the first pitch at Wrigley. Get loaded on a rooftop. Receive blowjob from a stranger in a bathroom. Saturday night - Prank call Tazer. Ask him if his refrigerator is running. Kaner's lisp gives him away and Tazer chastises Kaner for five minutes on the virtues of good manners. Go to Navy Pier with terrified rookie Brandon Saad and force him to smoke opium. Ride the Ferris Wheel for three straight hours while working out the meaning of life. Exact quote from Kaner to Saad on the Ferris wheel: "Everything is orange, bro. You smell like an orange." Sunday afternoon - Call agent. Ask him to get Ke$ha's phone number. Call Ke$ha. She doesn't know who Kaner is. Tells her to google "Kaner". Ke$ha googles Kaner and likes what she sees. Leaves two tickets to her show that night. Kaner and Carbomb go to Ke$ha's show. They hang backstage before the show. Ke$ha gives Kaner a quick handie in her dressing room. They split a bottle of Jack in celebration. After the show Ke$ha and Kaner go back to his place and consummate their lust. Monday morning - Ke$ha helps Kaner put the American flag on display on his balcony. Ke$ha and Kaner simultaneously recite Emma Lazarus' sonnet, "The New Colossus" verbatim from memory. Ke$ha and Kaner salute the flag. Ke$ha and Kaner go back inside and watch each other masturbate. Rest of Monday - Beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, lawn darts, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, beer, croquet, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, sex, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, shots, heroin, sixty-nine, pass out on the kitchen floor. 

Follow me on Twitter @nCornick

Hawks Thoughts: Week 5, 2011-12 Season

GAHH!!!! It's the Emperor! Run away!!! Just kidding, folks, that's our old friend Al Davis.

Last week my battle cry was "Signature Win!". This week (in honor of the recently deceased Al Davis) it's "Just win, baby." I had been operating under the assumption that this Hawks team was capable of domination. After this past week I think we can say that domination isn't in their DNA (yet). Maybe down the road they'll develop the jungle cat instinct of opening the jugular but for now we have to be happy with back alley knife fights where they're scraping at least one point each game.

The Hawks standard operating procedure has been to engage in seesaw-type games in which either A) The Hawks give up multiple leads or B) The Hawks are chasing the other team's leads. From game to game I have no idea what to expect other than the following: the power play will blow, the penalty kill will be awesome and the score will be close.

The Hawks are winning and that not only makes everyone happy but it masks all the warts this team has. Namely the power play.

The prevailing sentiment from the players and media this week regarding the power play seemed to be something along the lines of "Nothing to see here, move along please." The theory being that even though they weren't scoring on the power play, they were getting a lot of good looks and good chances. The bounces would eventually go their way. Unfortunately, as we used to say in the neighborhood when I was a kid, "Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" and close doesn't cut it in the NHL. If the Hawks record was something like 4-5-3 or 4-4-4 (instead of 8-2-2) there would be a significant amount of teeth-gnashing and talk of hot seats and coaching incompetence.

Actually, on second thought, since we're talking about Chicago, no one would care. This isn't Montreal where they had to push an assistant coach into the volcano in order to appease the angry villagers. In fact, I doubt that if the Hawks were sporting one of those hypothetical records above that it would rank higher than the tenth most important sports story in Chicago behind Theo, Zambrano, Matt Forte's contract situation, the Bears offinsive line, anything comes out of Ozzie Guillen's mouth, anything that comes out of Jay Cutler's mouth, Jay Cutler's love life, the NBA lockout and the most recent '85 Bears reunion.

Essentially, the Hawks are getting by on a combination of luck, gritty resiliency, Corey Crawford, and Kaner backing up his pre-season assertion that he was aiming to become an elite player in the league. Kaner is an elite player in the league now. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around that idea but it's true. I always think of him as a kid who needs to be put to bed at night.

If they could just get the effing power play working, I could stop writing the same thing every week and move on with my life. But no, this is why you can't have nice things, Blackhawks. Your power play is so bad that the only thing that comes to mind when i think about it, is a prolapsed anus.

Whenever the day comes that they unlock the mystery of the man-advantage, this team will become a fully armed and operational battle station capable of destroying planets. Until then they'll be scrapping in the back alley every night fighting for points however they can get 'em. It doesn't matter if you have to pull a knife from your boot or knee a guys in the balls, a win is a win. Al Davis knew that, so "Just win, baby."

* * *

-I hate to watch the Hawks play him but Pekka Rinne is truly great. Nashville did well to lock him up for seven more years. Have you ever felt like the Hawks have scored an easy goal on that guy? I feel like he has never given up a softie. So solid.

-The Hawks put forth an embarrassing effort in Carolina last Friday. Can I bill Rocky Wirtz for those two and a half hours that I will never get back?

-Columbus is not good at Hockey.

-Patrick Kane is good at Hockey.

-Patrick Kane is bad (in an entertaining way) at acting.

-Here's a fun fact I picked up on Twitter Thursday night (via @WaddleandSilvy): The Red Wings are winless in their last 6 games, longest winless streak since February, 2008. People, that's what you call good times.

-Non-Hawk Thought: (Actually a rhetorical question) Why does it take so long for pears to ripen? Even when I put them in a paper bag and leave them on the kitchen counter it seems to take four months for those little bastards to become edible. I guess it's all worth it in the end though because they are so delightful. The pear is an underrated piece of fruit. Long live the pear!

-The quote of the week comes to us courtesy of Dan Carcillo referencing his Dad's Trip golfing foursome (comprised of Carbomb, Carbomb Sr., Sami Lepisto and Sami's dad). “I carried our team," Carcillo joked. “The Lepistos were busy eating hotdogs and staring at birds they don’t see in Europe."

-Runner up for quote of the week comes from former NHL'er and two-time Cup-winner Bobby Holik who texted Hossa after the Florida game Friday night and said Patrick Kane is "The best street hockey player on skates."

-I've demoted the Hawks power play from finger painting class to being the smelly kid who eats paste in the corner.

-Paste. It's what's for dinner.

-Nick Leddy continues to impress. It makes you wonder what kind of juicy information StanBo had when he traded Cam Barker for Leddy. He must have known that the Minnesota GM was into kiddy porn or something similarly egregious for that trade to have gone down. Minnesota got raped and pillaged on that one.

-Did you know that Leddy is tied for fourth on the team with 7 points? That's a true story. Kinda shocking.

-Did you know that Leddy leads the team in plus-minus rating at +7? True story.

-Leddy needs a nickname and I can't think of anything good. New Soup? Soup.0? You can Leddy a horse to water but you can't make him drink? Leddy Zeppelin? Zeppelin? Hindenburg? Oh, the Humanity! ?, Whatever. Those are horrible.

Oops, that was rather depressing. How about this instead?

-Watching Brunette and Stalberg skate on the same line is fun for the whole family. Stalberg is the douchebag who speed-walks on the people mover at the airport; Brunette is the fat, sunburned tourist in a Hawaiian shirt pulling his carry-on bag behind him through the center of the concourse.

-Did Tomas Kopecky forget that Halloween is over? He's still wearing a "A" on his sweater.

-Blackhawks record since last Friday: 3-1-0

-Standings: 1st in the Central, 1st in the West, tied for second in the NHL with 18 points overall.

-Paste Eating The power play is T-29th (!) (4 for 45, 8.9%, 0-15 since last Friday), the penalty kill is 3rd at 91.7% (have allowed 3 PPG on the season, scored 3 shorties).

-Last week's predictions: I said they would lose in the S/O at CAR (lost in regulation), win at home against CLS (they won), win at home agsinst NSH (they won in OT), and lose at FLA (won in the S/O). I predicted five points, they came up with six.

-The upcoming schedule (through next Thursday) with my predictions: At TB Friday (OT loss); Home against VAN on Sunday (win); At STL on Tuesday (loss); At CLS Thursday (win). That's four games in six days and five in seven if you count next Friday's game against CGY. November's schedule is a true meat grinder with only four games at home.

-I'll be looking for that elusive signature win that I wrote about last week at home against VAN on Sunday night. The Bears don't play until Monday so the crowd should be properly pumped.

Hawks Thoughts: Week 4, 2011-12 Season

I'm still waiting on the Hawks to come up with a signature win.

While it's great that they have been taking as many points as they have through the first eight games (12 of a possible 16, with at least one point in their last 7) I don't feel like they have put it all together yet into something we as fans can look at and say "They dominated that game playing their style, the other guys never had a chance."

Honestly, I shouldn't even be bitching about this. Points are a precious commodity in the NHL and they are not exactly easy to come by. Turning my own complaint around on myself, I can say that it's only been eight games so it's not like we should have expected them to have it all figured out by this point. There are a lot of new pieces that have been added to the team and Quenneville is still playing with the chemistry set as is his wont.

Let's take a closer look though to see why I am feeling this way. In reverse order:

• 10/25 vs. Anaheim W 3-2 (SO): A see-saw affair that saw the Hawks come from behind twice to tie the game. Down 1-0 and 2-1, it took two super high-end plays from Kaner to Keep the Hawks in the game. The second point came in the shootout.
• 10/22 vs. Colorado L 4-5 (SO): Down 3-1 with six minutes left in the second period, the Hawks scored three straight goals to take a 4-3 lead only to surrender the game tying goal with less than two minutes to play. (That equalizer was scored by the 18 year-old rookie Gabriel Landeskog, his second of the game - unfortunately, he looks like he will be a very, very good player for a long time). The Hawks lost in the shootout.
• 10/20 @ Colorado, W 3-1: A very close, hard-fought game that was tied until Sharp scored with thirteen minutes left in the third period. Hossa added an empty netter at the end. The money quote from the game was from Hossa about Corey Crawford, "Tonight he stole the game for us,” Hossa said. “He made some really key saves.”
• 10/18 @ Phoenix, W 5-2: The Hawks beat a bad team at a rink with approximately 200 in attendance. It was a one goal game until Bolland broke the Yotes backs with a short-handed goal early in the third period to open up a two goal lead. Was it dominant? Maybe, but it was against a shit team.
• 10/15 vs. Boston, L 2-3 (SO): I didn't see this game (I was watching Lawrence of Arabia on the big screen!) so I can only go by the box score and game stories. They Hawks gave up two leads (1-0 and 2-1) and lost in the shootout.
• 10/13 vs. Winnipeg, W 4-3: The Hawks overcame a 2-0 deficit and scored the next four goals to eventually win 4-3. Winnipeg is another shit team that the Hawks should not have been trailing at any point to begin with.
• 10/8 vs. Dallas, W 5-2: This was probably their most dominant game of the season, a 5-2 beatdown at home in the second game of the season.

Don't get me wrong, they are playing well but I am looking for that win that tells me they are elite and Cup-worthy. It certainly feels different from last year though, doesn't it? Last year, in my opinion, they would not have been able to mount come-backs in the home games against ANA and COL. They probably would have just rolled over and died but both times they fought back and came out of it with 3 points. Personally, I do believe all the shit the Hawks media writers have been shoveling about team chemistry being improved. I think having a loose room is a huge deal in hockey and there is definitetly a lighter feeling about this year's team compared to last year. There is a whiff of the 2010 team's carefree attitude and I am all for that.

I just remember last year constantly tweeting that the team felt like it did not have a drop of magic left in from the Cup run. This team? Feels like there could be a little magic in there. We'll see.

Man, do I have some first world problems when all I am able to do is bitch in my blog about how my hockey team isn't winning with enough flair. The next thing you know, I'll be griping about how it's just impossible to find ripe mangoes at this time of year.

I deserve to be ridiculed. Let's take a break for a minute to cleanse our minds and palates.

And, we're back. Onto my thoughts.

-So, the Hawks are a good team. If they could ever figure out how to properly execute a power play they could be great.

-Until then, the power play will still be known as the Special Needs Gang or Finger painting Class, whichever you prefer.

-Your unsung hero is still Corery Crawford, holding down the back end in utter silence. Never quoted, never spoken to. Hilarious.

-First Carcillo shaves his mustache and comes out the other side looking like a normal human being. Then I find out that he is a serious music lover and went to Gary, IN to visit Michael Jackson's childhood home. THEN I learn that he hangs out at Kingston Mines. Am I in the Matrix? I feel like my reality has been altered.

-This Carcillo information is too much for me to process. I need another palate cleanser if I am going to make through to the end of this post.

-Duncan Keith held the kick-off event for his charity, Keith Relief, on Wednesday night. I would like to strangle the person responsible for putting together this slide show with piano wire. HOW CAN I MAKE FUN OF THESE PEOPLE IF I DON'T KNOW THEIR NAMES!?! No captions = fail.

-Ladies, please familiarize yourself with the picture of Kaner with the ping pong paddle in his hand. That is the same pose he adopts while "tapping that ass".

-There were some real hipster-looking d-bags at that party.

-It's easy to forget things in hockey that only happened a few days ago but I think this deserves to not be forgotten. This is from the Hawks/Avalanche game last Saturday. Jamal Mayers finishes but Nick Leddy did 90% of the work. More of this please. Leddy is a good skater, especially in tight spots against the boards. I'm a fan (so far). Make sure you pay close attention right from the very beginning because the action happens so fast.

-Blackhawks record since last Friday: 1-0-1

-Standings: 1st in the Central, 2nd in the West, tied for third in the NHL with 12 points overall.

-Finger Painting Class The power play is T-18th (4 for 30, 13.3%), the penalty kill is 5th at 91.3% (have allowed 2 PPG on the season, scored 2 shorties).

-Last week's predictions: I said they would win against COL on Saturday (lost in the SO) and that they would lose in the SO against ANA (beat ANA in the SO). It was wash as I predicted 3 points and they got 3 points.

-The upcoming schedule (through next Thursday) with my predictions: At CAR Friday (SO loss); Home against CLS Saturday (win); NSH at home on Monday (win); At FLA Thursday (loss). That's a tough patch there with three games in four days starting Friday night but CAR is mediocre, CLS is shit (although they have Wiz back now that his suspension is over) and NSH is shit so far as well. I would be happy with 5 points out of the available 8 in these four games. Chris Kuc wrote about the three games in four days thing here.

-Looking at the schedule I don't see any real opportunities for that signature win that I was bitching about at the top until we play Vancouver at home on Sunday, 11/6. But I'm patient. I can wait for that. Oh yes, I can wait very patiently for the Canucks to come to town.

Update on Friday, October 28, 2011 at 8:31AM by Noah Cornick

Forgot to rant about this in the original post. No one likes the shootout, I think we all agree that it is a stupid way to decide a game and accrue points but whatever, that's not the point. The point is that the Hawks have not looked particularly good in the shootout thus far (2/9 in shots taken in the shootout with one win and two losses, including getting zero goals in the COL and BOS shootouts).

These poor performances led to Q having the guys practice the shootout. This led to an avalanche of snark from the Hawks blogosphere and Twitterverse about how the shootout is a crapshoot, it is pointless to practice it, why waste your time on something so dumb? It's a coin flip. You can't re-create a real shootout in practice. Hurr hurr hurr. Derp. Snark. Irony.

My question is: Why wouldn't you practice the shootout? We're talking about an exercise that bestows those precious points I wrote about in the original post. If you'll allow me to quote Theo Epstein from his presser, "Opportunities to win are sacred." Hell yes they are. I bet you would have preferred not to have had to sweat out that MIN/DAL game on the last day of the season last year which got the Hawks into the dance, right? One shootout win earlier in the season would have changed that.

So, yes, you should be practicing the shit out of the shootout. Q should be constantly be looking for whatever edge he can find to scrape these extra points. Cliche alert: points in October count just as much as points in March. They should be studying tape on all the opposing goalies tendencies in the shootout, they should be working on developing new moves and tricks to score in the shootout.

The shootout is stupid but that's the system we have right now so every angle and edge needs to be explored. If anything, the team should be spending more time practicing this shit. EVERY POINT IS PRECIOUS. OPPORTUNITIES TO WIN ARE SACRED.

/end rant

The Cleanout: Baseball, Fantasy Hockey, Walter Payton, Moving, PS3, Gambling, The Beatles, Brandon Saad

Here are some random marbles rolling around my head that I need to write about before the hockey season starts.

-Baseball.  I wanted to write about all the craziness that happened last Wednesday night (the last day of the regular season AKA the greatest night in the history of regular season baseball) but who am I kidding, I don't really even like baseball that much.  Yes, I am technically a Cubs fan but I didn't watch one of their games this season.  I am now at the point where I find fantasy baseball much more compelling that the real thing.

Bill Simmons and Scott Van Pelt were talking about this on Simmons' podcast last week and Van Pelt was talking about how he thinks that baseball will eventually sink down to the status of boxing and horse racing, both sports which were once dominant on the American sporting landscape and now exist on the periphery of our consciousness.  

Raise your hand if you can sit through a four hour televised baseball game.  I am not talking about going to Wrigley and ogling the eye candy (pictured left).

No, I am talking about sitting down in your living room for four hours and watching the steaming pile of armadillo feces that the Cubs call a baseball team "compete" for fours and then lose.

Oh by the way, this isn't a weekly commitment like the NFL, no we're talking about ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY TWO games.  Unreal.  How? Just how?

So yeah, I don't give a shit about baseball.

-Fantasy Hockey.  I guess I am going to do this thing.  I started a league for the upcoming season which means that I am the commissioner in a 12-team football league and a 10-team hockey league.  Did I mention my wife is playing in the hockey league? Because, um, she is.  This will probably end badly.

In a heartbreaking turn of events, the only Blackhawk I was able to draft onto my team was Steve Montador. I did pick up Nick Leddy as a free agent and for old times sake I drafted Marty Havlat (although he may start the season on the IR with a shoulder injury. That's such a Marrty thing to do).

-Walter Payton.  The last time I really cried hard was a couple years ago when I was down in Florida visiting my grandparents. They are both in their 80's and not in the greatest of health so saying goodbye is always awful. Thankfully, they are both still alive and I will be seeing them again this upcoming Christmas.  

Prior to that, the last time I cried really hard was when Walter Payton died in 1999.  I had graduated from college that summer and then he died in November.  I was living at my mom's house and I just remember bawling that whole day.  I had no idea I would be so affected by his death but the emotions just overwhelmed me.

That's the pain of losing a childhood hero, someone I had placed on a pedestal above all others in a way that only a kid who loves sports can.

Today, it is odd to think about that player/fan dynamic.  I am 34 years old and my favorite Blackhawks player is probably Marian Hossa.  I think of him as this crusty veteran type player who has been fighting in the NHL trenches forever but Hossa is actually 32 years old.  He'll be 33 in November.  I am 22 months older than Hoss and I still get warm, gooey feelings thinking about how cool it would be to meet him.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Anyway, back to Walter.  I hope you'll excuse me using his first name there like we were buddies or something.  We weren't.  I never met the man.  But I felt like I knew him and I think that's how most people in Chicago felt about him.  You felt like you knew him, like you could just go up to him and chat with him. Because that's the way the guy was.  He always made time for the fans.  The combination of his play on the field and his openness with fans off it created this aura about him that was almost impossible to see beyond.

It turns out that Walter was just a mortal man after all.  We should have realized that when he was claimed by cancer and a rare liver disease, but as so often happens to figures who transcend their particular arena of influence (Jimi Hendrix, Van Gogh, etc.) and then die early, their legend and stature grows exponentially after death.

Now there is a new book out that details Walter's life and the initial excerpt is of course filled with the most lurid and salacious aspects of his life (drugs, suicidal tendencies, affairs).  I can understand why the author and publisher have decided to go that way as it has generated a firestorm of controversy and publicity over the last week.  I don't necessarily respect that route, but I understand it, they are trying to sell a book.

The lesson is (to me at least): Walter was just a guy, just a flawed human, just like all of us are flawed.  The book about Walter opens up a new way for us to look at the man and honestly, I feel an even greater affinity and connection towards him than I did before.  He was on a pedestal, now he's down here next to me, dealing with the same problems that you and I have had to face.

-Moving. After moving approximately seven times in the last eleven years (including this past weekend) I can tell you this: hire movers.  What a blessing those people are.  All you do is stand around looking bored while three dudes move all your shit for you. Hiring movers is one of the very few things in life that you would actually pay more for than what it actually costs.

Of course after the movers leave you are left with a mountain of boxes and that is what I am dealing with now.  "One box at a time" is the mantra I have been repeating in order to retain my sanity.

-PS3. I was really hoping that I would be able to get DirectTV at this new place we are living so that I would be able to order the NFL Sunday Ticket and the NHL CenterIce packages.  Alas, our unit does not have a clear view of the south east which is the direction the dish needs to be pointed in order to receive the DTV signal.

We had Comcast at our last place and the CenterIce package on Comcast is garbage.  They only show two games in HD each night, one early game and one late game.  On DirectTV, every game is in HD.  Also DirectTV is the only provider that carries the Sunday Ticket (which allows you to watch every NFL regular season game)...or so I thought!  After doing some research, I found out that one can stream the Sunday Ticket package via a PS3.  Who knew?  I consider myself pretty sharp when it comes to this kind of stuff.  I mean, as a sports fan who lives two time zones away from where my teams play you become intimately acquainted with the intricacies involved in being able to watch those games.  So I was shocked to learn that I didn't need DirectTV to get the Sunday ticket.  I don't know why Sony hasn't gone all-out marketing the hell out of this. There are a shit-ton of fans like me who would open a vein for the Sunday Ticket via an alternate platform from DTV.  By the way, don't think that just because you are streaming through a game console that you are going to save any money.  Hell to the no! They still rape charge you the same amount ($349) as DirectTV but still, no satellite dish needed!  And! as a bonus, there is ann NHL GameCenter app available on the PS3 (only $10 as opposed to the $180 that Comcast charges for CenterIce) that will allow me to stream every NHL game live in HD (with maybe a minute lag from real time from what I have been reading).  Eff you Comcast and your diarrhea-like CenterIce package. 

Anyway, a couple of nights ago I went to the store and procured myself a PS3 as well as a copy of NHL 12.  So excite! (FYI, "So excite" is what I meant to say, not "excited". I did not forget the "d". "So excite" is an insidious expression that I picked up on the Twitters from my pal Katie [@KatiePambu] and have now incorporated into my daily syntax.)  

I am more than a little daunted by the prospect of the PS3 controller.  I mean look at that thing!  There are like eighteen buttons on it.  That is a long way from the Atari 2600 I grew up playing on.  Did I mention that I am not much of a gamer?  I like to play Rock Band and Guitar Hero on the Wii (something Kaner and I have in common!) but I never really got into heavy gaming with these newer systems. (Full disclosure: I played the shit out of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on the Wii. Awesome, awesome game.)

-Gambling. So many hockey things to gamble on before the season starts!  I think I am going to go with Kaner for over 75.5 points, the Hawks to get over 102.5 points, and that the Hawks will qualify for the playoffs (at -290 on the money line,  there's not a lot of money to be made on that last one).  I will update this further on Twitter after I make my wagers.

-The Beatles. I have been listening to a lot of Beatles lately, particularly the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album.  I'm not breaking any new ground or anything here but I just want to say how much I admire this album and their music in general.  I have really become fascinated by the John/Paul relationship.  I don't know a lot about it and I plan on reading up gain some insight but I am totally into this right now.

Paul seems like this lovable goofball and John seems like this melancholy loner.  If The Beatles were around today you know that there would be an internet meme about whether you are on Team Paul or Team John.  My personality is definitely more John but there is no doubt in my mind that I would be on Team Paul. Paul does not seem to take himself too seriously whereas John always has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

The bottom line is that John comes across as a self-important twat and Paul is all like, "Hey John, have a laugh once in a while."

Confession: I really like Wings and I love to play "Band on the Run" on Guitar Hero over and over.  

All of that is not to say that John wasn't capable of writing some amazing music, because obviously he was, it's just that his personality really irritates me.  But I guess that's where the band's genius lies in the chemistry of John and Paul's relationship.

I watched this movie a few months ago, Nowehere Boy, about John's childhood and teenage years.  I thought it was really well done and I highly recommend it if you are fan of the Beatles at all.  Here's the trailer:

There is one moment on Sgt. Pepper's that really sticks with me. It's the seamless transition between Within You, Without You (a great George song about life and the Hindu perspective - it's all sitars and drugs) into When I'm Sixty-Four (a great sort of up-tempo Paul song - although the theme can be construed as a bit dark at times).  The transition is so jarring and yet perfectly harmonious that it just feels right.  It's like salty caramel or something, the way those two totally different songs butt up against each other yet still flow together beautifully.  

I am really looking forward to reading more about this John/Paul relationship. I know I probably sound like a total novice just regurgitating themes that have been sliced and diced a million times over but it's new to me and that is exciting.

-Brandon Saad. Man, do I hope this kid sticks with team for more than his nine games (if he plays more than nine games with the Hawks, he burns a year off his entry deal so the Hawks would prefer that he only plays nine games or less this year - he'll probably be sent down after Stalberg comes off the IR).

I love his story (groin injury last season caused him to drop down draft boards from an early first round pick to the middle of the second where the Hawks scooped him up).  What an unbelievable accomplishment for a second round pick to make the team out of camp and end up skating on the first line with Tazer and Sharp on opening night.  I'll be rooting for the him to light up the league like a Christmas tree and and to force the Hawks front office to keep him around...as unlikely a scenario as that may be.  Welcome to the show kid, and good luck.

PS: For more nonsense, follow me on Twitter @nCornick.