Your 2013 Chicago Blackhawks Season Preview/Post-Lockout/Game of Thrones Extravaganza!

Annnnnnd, I'm back.  Only been five months.  Miss me?  Didn't think so.

Last year I used Harry Potter for the season preview. This year I am going with Game of Thrones, AKA A Song of Ice and Fire. (GOT is actually the name of the first book in the series so ASOIAF is a bit more appropriate when referring to the whole series...but...whatever.)

I have read all the books (five of a planned seven) and watched the first two seasons of the HBO series.  Obviously by reading the books I know things that are going to happen to a lot of the characters that you wouldn't know if you only watched the HBO series.  With that in mind I did my best to keep my descriptions vague so as not to spoil anything for you TV-only people, which I assume is the vast majority.  Also,  I used illustrations for the characters that I found online rather than the actors from the TV show.  I don't like being forced to imagine a character based on an actor's physical appearance.  I like to use my imagination so that's why I decided to do it that way.

If you haven't read the books, I highly recommend them.  They provide so much more depth and context than they are able to fit into the TV show.  I still like what HBO has done with it but the universe George R.R. Martin has created is so huge and has so many characters that it is really hard to work all the subtleties and nuances into a TV show.  Stuff gets lost.

I was planning on posting this on Friday 1/18, the day before the first game of the season. Unfortunately I came down with pneumonia last week and that just knocked me on my ass.  I highly recommend never catching pneumonia if you can arrange it.

I'm not sure what my plan for this blog is going forward.  I would like to think that I will be posting somewhat regularly during the hockey season.  At least I will if I think I have anything interesting to say. Follow me on Twitter if you care and I will link to whatever new stuff I post there.

I broke this down into two parts. The first part is all Blackhawks players and personnel.  The second part is all non-Hawks players and NHL/league people.  Enjoy!

PART 1 - BLACKHAWKS PLAYERS AND PERSONNEL

Jonathan Toews is...

Danerys Targaryen

Each is the most important character in their respective story and the plots cannot move forward unless they advance them.  Danerys is the mother of dragons and slaves.  Tazer is the metaphorical father of the team.  He's the daddy-captain. Did you see the pictures of him running practices during the lockout? It's just what he does, it's etched into his DNA.  I like to imagine someone else trying to run a practice and Tazer proceeding to stare them to death.

It's easy to forget how young Danerys and Tazer are.  Danerys is only fourteen in the books (guess HBO isn't cool with depicting a 14 year-old getting mounted by a much older Khal Drogo...) and Tazer is only twenty-four.  In hockey terms, he's still three to five years away from his prime. 

The main difference between these two is that Tazer has already been to the top of the mountain. The question is: was that a one time thing or can he put a team on his back and take them to the promised land one or two more times before he's done?  Danerys is still earning how to weild her power and is yet to achieve her dream of sitting upon the Iron Throne.

The Money Quote: "When my dragons are grown, we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me.  We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground.  Turn us away and we will burn you first."

Patrick Sharp is...

Ser Loras Tyrell 

Because they're the finest physical example of the male form in both fiction and real life. Or so I understand. That's where any comparison of these two must begin anyway. Sharp is one of Chicago's Most Beautiful People.  Ser Loras is known as the Knight of Flowers.  Women swoon after him wherever he goes.  They dampen the ladies' smallclothes is what I'm trying to say. (Disclaimer: In the books there are oblique references to Loras' sexual orientation and a possible clandestine relationship with Renly Baratheon; In the television show there is no ambiguity, Loras and Renly are shown to be lovers....but I digress.)

On a less superficial level, we must acknowledge that both of these guys are the balls in combat.  Sharp was the Hawks best and most dependable forward last year and is vastly underrated in the discussion of best offensive players in the league.  There is nothing really underrated about Loras. He is a member of the Kingsguard. He wins tourneys left and right and is considered one of, if not the best all-around knights in Westeros.

The Money Quote: [Jaime Lannister about Loras] "He is me, Jaime realized suddenly.  I was speaking to myself as I was, all cocksure, arrogant, and empty chivalry.  This is what it does to you to be too good, too young."

Marian Hossa is...

Khal Drogo

Khal Dogo is the baddest motherfucker to have sprung forth from the mind of George R.R. Martin thus far in a Song of Ice and Fire.  Nothing stands before him and the only player on the Hawks worthy of the comparison is my main man, my favorite Hawk, Boss Hoss, Marian Hossa.

Snappin' necks and cashin' checks is what they do.  When you are reading about or watching Drogo you can feel the power glowing off the page and screen.  He is pure animal-warrior.  No thought, just movement and action.  Instinct.  And that's what it feels like when I'm watching Hossa when he's on his game, just toying with the opposition because he's just so much better than everyone else on the ice. Whatever.  I'll admit it.  My Hossa man-crush is one degree shy of becoming Loras/Renly-esque.

If I'm comparing these two though, I can't get out of here without mentioning something rather unfortunate.  Both Hoss and Drogo were brought low by treachery.  Hossa by the mindless cruelty of Raffi Torres and Drogo by the blood magic of Mirri Maz Durr.

Hossa, like Tazer needs to avoid being concussed again this season if the Hawks are going to have any success.

PS: If anyone in the Hawks front office is even thinking about buying out Hoss next summer, I'm gonna find them and do THIS.  Beware.

UPDATE: Hoss checks in with a goal and two assists in the first game of the season. Boom!

The Money Quote: "I will rape their women, take their children as slaves, and bring their golden gods back to Vaes Dothrak."

Patrick Kane is...

Syrio Forel

Kaner is a more important character to the Blackhawks than Syrio Forel is to A Song of Ice and Fire but I couldn't figure out anyone else who matched up with Kaner so well.  Forel is a water dancer, a philosopher, and as the former First Sword of Braavos, he is the ultimate swordsman.

I love how Martin writes Forel.  His constant use of the third person to refer to both himself and the person he is speaking to is very entertaining.  

The comparison with Kaner is based solely on their pure skill levels.  I've seen it written before that Kaner is the Hawks most skilled player since Denis Savard.  For all of his off-ice exploits and being pushed into roles that don't suit him *cough*center*cough* it can be easy to forget how supremely talented the kid actually is when he is allowed to do what he does: make plays.  He is the Blackhawks water dancer and their first sword. 

The Money Quote: "Just so.  Opening your eyes is all that is needing.  The heart lies and the head plays tricks with us, but the eyes are true.  Look with your eyes.  Hear with your ears.  Taste with your mouth. Smell with your nose.  Feel with your skin.  Then comes the thinking, afterward, and in that way knowing the truth."

The Money Quote No. 2: "There is only one god, and His name is Death.  And there is only one thing we say to Death: 'Not today.'"

The Money Quote No. 3: "The Frist Sword of Braavos does not run."

Dave Bolland is...

Petyr Baelish AKA Littlefinger

There is the Game of Thrones and then there are the games within the Game of Thrones. These two are the masters of the games within the game.  Manipulation and psychology are where they make their bones. 

It's the work that Bolland does between the whistles that makes him special.  Like Baelish, he is slight of build and tends to rely more on his cunning than whatever his physical gifts may be.  He'll fuck with the other teams' mind then annoyingly back it up with a great skill play.  Even in moments of success however, he betrays nothing.  Are you familiar with his post-goal serial killer stare?

He is The Rat.

If Petyr Baelish's nickname was not Littlefinger, it could easily be The Rat.  Just look at him.  He is so god damned sneaky and slimy...and ratty.  He makes me squirm whenever he shows up in the series.  So creepy.  Always plotting and scheming to assume as much power as he possibly can you never feel like you really know what is going on with Littlefinger. You know he's playing the game two or three moves ahead of you but you can't catch up with him.  If every player in the game is dancing, don't you get the uncomfortable feeling that Littlefinger is the one holding all the strings?  Gross.

The Money Quote: "Distrusting me was the wisest thing you've done since you stepped off your horse."

Duncan Keith is...

Eddard Stark

Great, yet flawed men.  Eddard tried to play the game of thrones with honor and that cost him his head. If only Eddard would have remembered what Leo, the evil leader of The Scorpions gang in the musical Grease said: "The rules are, there ain't no rules."

No rules in drag racing and no rules in the game of thrones, alas.  That is not to say that Eddard was stupid, just that he could not deviate from his rigid moral code for any reason, even if it meant saving his own life.

Which brings us to the curious case of Duncan Keith.  Only a couple of years ago he was deemed the best defenseman in all the realm.  Today, he's slipped into a secondary tier and the fans and media have just about run out of explanations as to what exactly his malfunction is.

At first we thought it was just part of the general hangover the whole team went through after the Cup run.  He admitted as much himself.  Then last year there was a lot of talk about motivation and visits to the team psychiatrist.  Haven't heard a peep out of him this off-season/lockout.  He wasn't in Chicago working out with the guys there so I'm left to assume he was training in solitude in rural British Columbia like some kind of Canadian monk.

It's my hope that during all these off months that he was able to sort out whatever it was that bringing him down and get back to his old ways.

Quiet, solid, rigid.  Honorable.  There are a lot of similarities between Duncs and Eddard, I just hope that Keith figures out how to change himself in time.  Eddard didn't.

The Money Quote: "Winter is coming."

Brent Seabrook is...

Jaquen H'ghar

Power play? Check.  Penalty kill? Check.  Shut down the other team's top line?  Check.  Eats monster minutes?  Check.  Can be relied upon to complete any task put to him in any given situation?  Check. He is simply the Hawks best defenseman and he does it all in relative silence and anonymity.

Jaqen H'ghar is the best at what he does (killing people).  If you give a man a name, a man will kill him for you.  Period.  End of story.  As a Faceless Man of Braavos we don't really know who or what Jaqen H'ghar is other than the most efficient killer this side of Dexter.  And he does it all in relative silence and anonymity.

The Money Quote: "Help was not promised, lovely girl. Only death."

Corey Crawford is...

Brandon Stark

Sometimes it's easy to forget that the goaltender is the most important position on a hockey team.  It's even easier to forget that on a team like the Hawks who have so many interesting players and personalities outside the crease that by the time you get to thinking about Corey Crawford, you're like, "Oh yeah, him."

His first season was good, his second season was bad and now what are we to expect in his third?  It was too many softies last year, especially in the playoffs that sunk the Hawks.  Did he spend his lockout time wisely?  I don't know.  I never heard anything about him at all during the lockout.  He is so boring that he makes Tazer look like a coked up go-go dancer in a cage at Studio 54, circa 1978.  I bet you Crawford is like one of those weirdos who are on that show My Strange Addiction. He probably eats toasters or something.

It can be easy to forget about Bran as well since Martin tends to abandon his story from hundreds of pages at a time.  But that's not because he's not important, in fact he may end up as the most important character in the series when it's all said and done (with the caveat that he doesn't die first, of course - Martin loves to kill his characters).

As an aside, I predict the climax of the entire saga will come down to some kind of epic showdown between Bran and Danerys, Ice versus fire. Just a guess.

Anyway, there's a lot going on with Bran.  He obviously has enormous potential but can he learn to harness his power, and channel it properly?  Same for Crawford.  Enormous potential.  The talent is there, but can he put it all together in a scant 48 games?

The Money Quote: "Can a man still be brave when he's afraid?"

Daniel Carcillo is...

Melisandre

We don't have proof that Carcillo is not actually a red priest of R'hllor so until proven otherwise, I'm just going to go with that.

Lots of connections between these two.  Melisandre seems to be playing a game that we, the readers, are not privy to and sometimes it feels like Carcillo decides to play his own games with out considering what is best for the team.  I can't take any more mindless majors that require season-ending surgery and months of rehab from him.

Melisandre undoubtedly has power.  We just don't understand where it comes from or what the extent of it is.  I don't think she does either.  Her visions show both truths and half-truths and she doesn't have the skill to separate the two which is frustrating and makes her look like some kind of carnival sideshow... Just like Carcillo.

Carcillo actually has some skill but when he forgets that and lets his reptilian brain take over (or maybe it's the other way around; maybe his brain is primarily reptilian and the human side emerges only occassionally...) things go to shit and he becomes the sideshow.

Both Carcillo and Melisandre have attached themselves to powerful people in order to further their ambitions: Melisandre to Stannis Baratheon and Carcillo to Toews and Hossa (on whose line he will be skating).  Only Q would be able to explain why Carcillo is on a line with two of the best forwards in hockey when he should be in the bottom six somewhere.  Melisandre is merely an up-jumped priestess who thinks that Stannis is the answer to her prophecies.  Stannis is running with her because he doesn't have any other options.  The Hawks have other options on what they can do with Carcillo although it is up to Q's whims to make it happen.  Color me doubtful.

UPDATE: Carcillo injured himself in the first game of the season and will be out for a month. 

The Money Quote: "We all must choose.  Man or woman, young or old, lord or peasant, our choices are the same.  We choose light or we choose darkness."

Brandon Saad is...

Arya Stark

Brandon Saad and Arya Stark are the vessels of all our hopes and dreams.  Merely children, we have seen their potential and ache to see both of them mature into their powers with which they will beat fools down.

Arya is my favorite character in both the books and television series, although in the books Martin spends a hell of a lot more time on characters a hell of a lot less interesting (Catelyn Stark, come on down!  Brienne of Tarth, come on down!) than Arya.  In books with fifty or sixty chapters, he might give her three.  Come on, man.

We want both of them to do well so badly that it aches.  We want Arya to become a master assassin who takes vengeance on all the people who destroyed her and her family (Ser Gregor, Dunsen, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler, The Hound, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei) and we want Saad to become the next Hossa.  We want it.  Can they live up to our expectations?  I don't know. That's why we read the books and watch the games... 

The Money Quote: "Swift as a deer.  Quiet as a shadow.  Fear cuts deeper than swords.  Quick as a snake. Calm as still water.  Fear cuts deeper than swords.  Strong as a bear.  Fierce as a wolverine. Fear cuts deeper than swords.  The man who fears losing has already lost.  Fear cuts deeper than swords.  Fear cuts deeper than swords."

Andrew Shaw is...

Sandor Clegane AKA The Hound

They're button-pushers.  They annoy you with their filthy chirping which is one way to get under your skin... but when some one tells them to, you know, push a button... they push it.

Excuse me for jumping off the GOT metaphor train here for a second but maybe this exchange from The Godfather, Part 2 can explain things a little better.

Chairman: You were a member of the Corleone crime organization.
Cicci: No. We called it the Corleone Family, Senator.  We called it the family.
Chairman: What was your position?
Cicci: At first, like everybody else, I was a soldier.
Chairman: What is that?
Cicci: A button, you know, Senator, come on.
Chairman: No, I don't know. Tell me.
Cicci: Well when the boss says push a button on a guy, I push a button. See, Senator? 

The Money Quote: "If any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his fucking corpse!"

The Money Quote (Bonus Quote!): "Fuck the Kingsguard, fuck the city, fuck the king."

Joel Quenneville is...

Lord Commander Jeor Mormont

Grizzled, veteran soldiers.  Leaders of men.  Questionable decision-makers.

The Money Quote: "They say the king loved to hunt. The things we love destroy us every time, lad. Remember that."

PART 2 - NON-HAWKS PLAYERS & LEAGUE PERSONALITIES

Dustin Byfuglien is...

Samwell Tarly

Because they're both fat, you see.

The Money Quote: 

Alexandre Burrows is...

Theon Greyjoy

A weak, insecure boy who betrays the family that raised him and kills many of those that he was closest to.  Sounds about right for Burrows.

The Money Quote: "It's better to be cruel than weak."

Sidney Crosby is...

Viserys Targaryen

They operate under the presumption that they are the best.  That they are the true heirs and direct descendents of the great players and kings that have come before them.

But they presume too much.  They over reach.  They whine and grovel and depend upon the welfare of the media strangers to survive.

No, in the end, they are not special at all. Crosby got his crown of concussions and Viserys received his crown of molten gold.

The Money Quote: "You dare?  You give commands to me?  To me?  You do not command the dragon. I'm the lord of the Seven Kingdoms.  I don't take orders from savages or their sluts.  Do you hear me?"

Don Cherry is...

Grand Maester Pycelle

Doddering old fools whose"wisdom" is sought out and listened to with great reverence.

The Money Quote:"Now I have his son, King Joffrey, may the Gods bless his reign.  He's a capable young man."

Elliote Friedman is...

Lord Varys

They are the Masters of Whispers. Too easy.

The Money Quote: "The storms come and go, the waves crash overhead, the big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling."

Gary Bettman is...

Cersei Lannister

Lying, incompetent, scheming cunts.

The Money Quote: "When you play the game of thrones you win or die.  There is no middle ground."

Jeremy Jacobs is...

Tywin Lannister

These are the true faces of evil and power.  Other...lesser...beings, may scurry about, making irritating noises in dark corners of these stories but in the end they signify nothing.  Only these two stand unopposed, lords of all they survey.  They are heartless pricks who would sell their own mothers into prostitution if they thought there was a buck to be made.

The Money Quote: "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep."

Donald Fehr is...

Tyrion Lannister

They are the perfect foils for Jeremy Jacobs and Tywin Lannister.  If only the whole world wasn't watching every move Jacobs and Tywin make, they would have disposed of these disgusting inconveniences long ago.  Alas, as it stands, their existences must be tolerated.

Unfortunately for Jacobs and Tywin, Tyrion and Donald are the cleverest characters in their respective universes.  They tend to be underestimated at every turn which they almost always use to their advantage.

The Money Quote: "I have a realistic grasp of my own strengths and weaknesses.  My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, King Robert has his war hammer, and I have my mind...and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it's to keep its edge.  That's why I read so much, Jon Snow."

That's it.  You can follow me on Twitter @nCornick more nonsense if you so desire.

Three-Eyed Raven Tease

The Missing Links 8.6.12

IT'S MINE! IT'S ALL MINE!

That's the big secret I've been waiting to unload for a couple weeks. And I couldn't even wait until this blog post. I spilled the beans about it last Friday on Twitter. Too excited.

More pictures....

So there it is. I am the proud owner Bobby Orr's Power Play by Bally, manufactured in 1978.

Did I mention I took a little video of it so you could hear the bells and whistles (literally)? Oh, I didn't? Here you go, then.

Note: My wife is not good at pinball.

How did this come to be?

Let us start with this post from back in June when I went to the Seattle Pinball Museum for the first time and learned that this machine even existed. They keep this machine in the rear of the SPM, right next to the counter where the register is and where Cindy, the co-owner surveys her realm.

While playing the machine on my first visit, I struck up a conversation with Cindy and asked her if they ever sold any of their machines cough*POWERPLAY*cough. She said no, not really, they were not in the business of flipping machines. Bummer, but I understood. I went home and poked around on the internet to see what these Power Play machines were going for. Anywhere from $1200-$2000. Gulp.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and I am back at the SPM, playing the Power Play machine again. Cindy is there as well and we are talking some more about how cool the game is and I am rambling on about being a Blackhawks fan and how this game is so strange because it features Bobby Orr as a Blackhawk, and on and on. Then Cindy drops a bombshell on me. Her and her husband, Charlie, have a second Power Play machine at home that they just acquired and they are willing to sell it.

Boom.

I repeat, Boom.

Cindy says that they had one guy who expressed interest in the machine already but that she remembered me from the when I came into the Museum the first time and started obsessing about the game. Because she remembered me, she put me ahead of the other guy. Thank you for that, Cindy.

So a couple days later I went to Cindy and Charlie's house to look at the machine and while it showed some age and wear, it was still fantastic. Yes, I still wanted to buy it. 

Over the next week or so, Charlie took care of a few minor things that needed to be replaced on the machine. Then finally last Friday I went back to their house and picked it up with my father-in-law and brought it home. Looks great, sounds great, plays great.

I have a freaking pinball machine in my house. I feel a little bit like Ricky Shcroder in Silver Spoons. 

Is there anyone who doesn't like pinball? I don't think there is. It's the most fun you can have for a quarter.

A couple fun/weird side notes on this game. On Friday after I got it home, I put up a picture on Twitter and mentioned @jeffmarek in the tweet. He is the co-host of my favorite hockey podcast and lover of all things retro/70's/hockey-related so I thought he would get a kick out of it. He did and then he told me two things about the game, 1) they have one of these at the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto (HOLY BALLS!) and 2) Bobby Orr was a left-handed shot. He is portrayed on the back glass art as a right-handed shot though. Oops.

Open invitation: If you're ever in Seattle, hit me and up and we'll play two players. And I'll beat you.

To the links!

-One of my favorite blogs is Go Fug Yourself. It purports to be about celebrity fashion but that's just a front for their true love, the Royals. I get most of my Royals information via GFY and the Olympics has brought the best out of both GFY and their favorite subjects: Wills, Kate, and Harry. While I think the concept of royalty is ridiculous in 2012, I can't help but love these three. I am linking (in chronological order) to several GFY/Royals/Olympics posts from the last couple weeks starting just before the Olympics until today. I strongly urge you to click through the links *in order* and revel in all the pictures. So good... I can't even... [GFY Royals Post 1, Post 2, Post 3, Post 4, Post 5, Post 6, Post 7, Post 8]

-Simmons' fourth dispatch from the Olympics. This one on Great Britain's triumphant weekend. Lots of chills from this one. [Grantland]

-They have taken out most of the dams on the Elwha River and now nature is doing what it is supposed to. This pleases me. [Seattle Times]

-Michael Farber on Michael Phelps. Great writing here. [Sports Illustrated]

-Another Phelps piece that I enjoyed. [SB Nation]

-"The frozen, dystopian, free world, where we’re our other selves.  Where we’re hockey players." [Backhand Shelf]

-The saddest thing you'll read today. A note from Marilyn Monroe to ex-husband Joe Dimaggio written the day before she died. Heart-breaking. [Letters of Note]

-NASA Control Room during touchdown of Curiosity. Chills.

You can follow me on Twitter @nCornick.

Link Dump 6.18.12

My wife and I hit up the Seattle Pinball Museum over the weekend and look what I found. From 1978, a Bobby Orr Power Play pinball machine by Bally. /Dead

So much going on here that I don't know where to begin. 

First of all, Bobby Orr in  Blackhawks sweater is just bizarre and wrong. Dude played 26 games in Chicago over three seasons and was basically a husk of his former self. It's a very sad story. Check out the Chicago part of the tale HERE.

Reading that, you can see that Orr was in a financial pickle in the late 70's so he apparently was up for any endorsement opportunity that came along including pinball machines. So somewhere in that window of time during which Orr played in Chicago he got hooked up with Bally and they made this game. According to the little sign above this machine at the museum, Bally made over 13,000 of these machines which in the pinball world is a shit ton.

So you've got Bobby Orr's Chicago Blackhawks and the Canadian All-Star Team represented, and then on the left side of the back glass and table you'll notice several fleurs de lis. WTF. I was trying to figure that out then I just decided that this game was probably meant to be marketed to arcades and bars in Canada for the most part and you couldn't have a machine like this in a Quebec bar in the late 70's without Frenching it up a bit (see HERE for an explanation on that). 

Anyway, after achieving three or four mind orgasms, I spent at least an hour playing the game. I wasn't going to quit until I had the high score, which took me about 45 minutes to get. I was talking with the lady who runs/owns the museum and asked her if they ever sold any of their machines. She asked me which one I was interested in. "This one," I say, point at the Orr machine. "Oh, no," says the lady. "We would never sell that one. We had a guy offer us fifteen hundred for it one time."

Looks like it's time to start socking away the nickels and dimes. My hockey/pinball lust will not be satisfied until I own one of these machines. It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.

As far as the museum is concerned, I highly recommend it if you're ever in Seattle. They have about 40 machines ranging in time from the 1960's through the present. For $10 ($7 for kids) you get a wristband that allows you to play all the games for as long as you want. All the games are set to free play. It's awesome.

To the links!

-A story about life in one of the poorest counties in the U.S. I went to college in Appalachia so some of this is familiar to me. [The American Prospect]

-A good interview with Woody Allen (the older I get, the more I like his work). [Wall Street Journal]

-Woody's son unleashed a hellacious zinger on Twitter yesterday (father's day). [ABC News]

-Mitch Albom (whom I don't like) conducts an exit interview with Nicklas Lidstrom (whom everyone likes). There's some good stuff in there. [Detroit Free Press]

-The Yotes need a lawyer, stat. Shut 'em down and give me a damn hockey team, please. [Eye on Hockey]

-The Hawks sign Bollig, Smith, and Hutton. [ESPN Chicago]

-More on the signings plus some draft stuff. [Third Man In]

-Sharpie bought a mansion. [Trib]

-Closing out today with a trifecta of Bobby Orr goodness. So. Good.

You can follow me on Twitter @nCornick.

"They're gone...and we couldn't do nothing about it."

Please see the clip below for further clarification.

Like a bullet to the back of Tommy's head, the Coyotes put a swift end to the Hawks season on Monday night. I'll leave the autopsies to those better equipped for such endeavors. See HERE and HERE.

No, what I am here to write about today is the yawning chasm that confronts all of us now that our NHL season is over: the endless summer. The best way to approach the summer, in my view, is to take it in bite-sized chunks. If your sole focus is mid-September, waiting for training camp to start, you'll go mad. So I have taken the liberty to look ahead at the summer calendar to see what I could find to keep ourselves occupied.

The hope is that we'll be able to distract ourselves with various baubles and trinkets from week to week and month to month so that we barely recognize that the summer has slipped past us and it's already time to drop the puck again.

In order to help you navigate these hot, barren months, I have developed a highly technical algorithm. This formula will assign a value to assist in determining if a summer event is worth your time. The unit of measurement derived from this formula is called a Kaner.

Here is the formula:

(ENTERTAINMENT FACTOR [Scale of 1-10] + DRINKABILITY [Scale of 1-10] + GAMBLING POSSIBILITIES [Scale of 1-10]) * DAYS CONSUMED = RAW SCORE

RAW SCORE ÷ 10 = NUMBER OF KANERS 

In addition to assigning a numerical value to every event, I have also reached out to Kaner himself to see how he is planning on spending his free time this summer. Please see the WWKD? (What Would Kaner Do?) note after each entry for a summary of number 88's thoughts.*

*I have not reached out to Kaner. I made all of this up.

Week of April 23

The NFL Draft (4/26 - 4/28)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 9
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: 3
Kaners: 5



WWKD?: Thursday night - Drink a case of Michelob Ultra waiting for the Bills to pick at number 10. Celebrate the Bills pick with a rail of coke. Eat a bowl of Kraft mac and cheese. Fall asleep in front of the TV under a Bills blanket.

Week of April 30

The Avengers (Releases 5/4)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .35 (Rounding up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the red head's tittays."

The Kentucky Derby (5/5)

Entertainment Factor: 8
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 10
Days Consumed: 1 (If you're gambling all day on all the races. As you should be.)
Kaners: 2.8 (Rounding up to 3 Kaners)



WWKD?: Charter a jet and fly some of his Buffalo home boys down to Louisville for the weekend. Party for 48 hours straight. Get drunk on the roof of an RV in the infield at Churchill downs. Pass out shirtless while sporting an empty PBR box as a hat. Receive a sternly worded voicemail from Blackhawks President John McDonough after a shaky cell phone video surfaces on Deadspin of Kaner receiving a drunken handjob from a young lady in the stall of Derby favorite Union Rags.

Week of May 21

Memorial Day Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Shrooms with his boys on the deck of his new house on Lake Erie. Friday night - Mexican food and a river of tequila. Saturday afternoon - Go-Karting with the Kane family. Saturday night - Beer pong, then prank call Tazer, pretending to be a homosexual Sidney Crosby looking for a booty call. Sunday afternoon - Mini-golf with the Kane sisters at the course built on his property (18th green is a ten foot tall, rotating, Stanley Cup). Sunday night - Roll on some E, turn on the Jimmy Buffett, then sex with two high-priced (for Buffalo) escorts. Monday morning - Put the American flag out on the front porch. Salute the flag. Recite The Gettysburg Address verbatim from memory. Rest of Monday - Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, lawn darts, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, croquet, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, Recite The Gettysburg Address again, cry, shots, pass out in a hammock.

Week of June 11

U.S. Open Golf Tournament

Entertainment Factor: 5
Drinkability: 6
Gambling Possibilities: 7
Days Consumed: 2 (Only counting Saturday and Sunday here. Only losers watch Thursday and Friday. Note: I will watch Thursday and Friday.)
Kaners: 3.6 (round down to 3.5 Kaners)

WWKD?: Saturday, all day - Mute the volume of the television broadcast of the U.S. Open. Smoke two ounces of peyote. Embark on a vision quest with Phil Mickelson as spirit guide. Sunday morning - Church with the family. Rest of Sunday - Watch the Open while working on some technical drawings of a new, top secret beer funnel that Kaner described as a "game-changer". 

Week of June 18

NHL Draft (5/22-23)

Entertainment Factor: 3
Drinkability: 7
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: 1 (If you watch any of the second day, seek out a mental health professional. Note: I will watch all of the second day.)
Kaners: 1

WWKD?: Call your agent and get the phone number of the Blackhawks first round pick. Pretending you are Tazer, text the draft pick and tell him to make sure he has 2 kilos of coke, six strippers, and a keg of Natty Ice waiting in the dressing room on the first day training camp or you will make his life a living hell. Remind him you won the Conn Fucking Smythe Award. Remind him that there is a motherfucking lake named after you in northern Manitoba.

Brave (Releases 5/22)

Entertainment Factor: 8 (It's Pixar. Odds are that it will be awesome.)
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .4 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "How old is that chick? 16? 17? Too young, broseph. Hot though. Maybe I'll hit her up next summer. Remind me."

Week of June 25

NHL Free Agency (Opens 7/1)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 1
Gambling Possibilities: 7 (If any free agent signings affect the odds of your team winning the Cup)
Days Consumed: 3 (For the sake of argument, let's just agree that the first three days of free agency are the most interesting)
Kaners: 4.5 (Round up to 5 Kaners)

WWKD?: Arrange for an erotic gift basket to be sent to every free agent the Blackhawks sign. The note inside every basket reads: "Welcome to the Hawks! Please enjoy these dildos, cock rings, and flavored lubricants compliments of me! See you on the ice in September!" (signed "Kaner").  

Week of July 2

The Amazing Spider-Man (Released 7/3)

Entertainment Factor: 5 (Will probably be total shit)
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .25 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the blonde chick's tittays."

4th of July Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Bourbon and bottle rockets. Friday night - Bacardi 151, M-80s, and a donkey show. Saturday afternoon - Role play as Thomas Jefferson with high-priced (for Buffalo) black escort playing the part of a slave girl. Saturday night - Drop acid. Prank call Tazer and tell him that his cock and balls have declared their independence and that they are now part of the gay rights movement. Sunday afternoon - Church with the family. Sunday night - Dinner with the family. Smoke a bowl. Watch Dumbo with the family and cry like a baby. Monday morning - Put the American flag out on the front porch. Salute the flag. Blast Stars and Stripes Forever so loud that it wakes up the neighbors. Rest of Monday - Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, lawn darts, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, croquet, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, fireworks, shots, pass out in a hammock. 

Week of July 16

The Dark Knight Rises (Releases 7/20)

Entertainment Factor: 8
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .4 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the brunette's tittays."

July 27 - August 12

2012 Summer Olympics

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 4
Gambling Possibilities: 5
Days Consumed: 17
Kaners: 32.3 Kaners (Round down to 32 Kaners)

WWKD?: Get high on angel dust before watching the opening and closing ceremonies. Jack off to every female athlete that appears on the television screen, including the horses in the equestrian events.

Week of August 27

Labor Day Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Hit up Great America in Gurnee. Smoke a shitload of weed in the parking lot before going into the park. Spend all afternoon eating funnel cakes. Forget to go on any rides. Hits on the girl running the ski-ball game. Asks her if she ever had a bro skeet on her tatas. Friday night - Invite Shaw, Hayes, Bolling, and Carcillo over to his Downtown Chicago condo. Shotgun brews, watch the Playboy Channel, and play Candyland until 5:00 AM. Saturday Afternoon - Throw out the first pitch at Wrigley. Get loaded on a rooftop. Receive blowjob from a stranger in a bathroom. Saturday night - Prank call Tazer. Ask him if his refrigerator is running. Kaner's lisp gives him away and Tazer chastises Kaner for five minutes on the virtues of good manners. Go to Navy Pier with terrified rookie Brandon Saad and force him to smoke opium. Ride the Ferris Wheel for three straight hours while working out the meaning of life. Exact quote from Kaner to Saad on the Ferris wheel: "Everything is orange, bro. You smell like an orange." Sunday afternoon - Call agent. Ask him to get Ke$ha's phone number. Call Ke$ha. She doesn't know who Kaner is. Tells her to google "Kaner". Ke$ha googles Kaner and likes what she sees. Leaves two tickets to her show that night. Kaner and Carbomb go to Ke$ha's show. They hang backstage before the show. Ke$ha gives Kaner a quick handie in her dressing room. They split a bottle of Jack in celebration. After the show Ke$ha and Kaner go back to his place and consummate their lust. Monday morning - Ke$ha helps Kaner put the American flag on display on his balcony. Ke$ha and Kaner simultaneously recite Emma Lazarus' sonnet, "The New Colossus" verbatim from memory. Ke$ha and Kaner salute the flag. Ke$ha and Kaner go back inside and watch each other masturbate. Rest of Monday - Beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, lawn darts, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, beer, croquet, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, sex, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, shots, heroin, sixty-nine, pass out on the kitchen floor. 

Follow me on Twitter @nCornick

Hawks Thoughts, Round 1, Game 4

/Turns on flashlight

/Tentatively steps inside

/Blows the digital cobwebs away

Umm... Is anyone home?

/A bat flies over head and out the door

Well, uh, I guess it's been a while since we've talked.

/Checks the date.

Two months? Yikes. Sorry about that. I don't have much to say about "why" other than...this happens to me.  I get depressed for a while and it takes some time to cycle out of it.  As the days grow longer, I seem to be emerging from this most recent down time and that's a good thing.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I'm still around. Still engaged with the Hawks and the season. Still ranting and dropping "motherfuckers" like I'm getting paid for it.

When I'm depressed, sometimes I feel like all I have are my teams. Each game is like a lantern in the darkness. If I can just make it to the next lantern, I'll be fine. So I shuffle along from game to game, downloading pleasure or pain from each result into a brain that is otherwise numb to external stimuli.

So that's where I've been.

How have the Hawks been? Well, like most things in life, I think this question can be answered by a quote from the big Lebowski. "Oh, you know, strikes and gutters. Ups and downs."

The Dude Abides from Ryan Hopman on Vimeo.

The last time I blogged (mid-February) The Hawks were in the middle of the Streak-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named.  Tazer got concussed and missed the last quarter of the season but the boys pulled their shit together and made it into the playoffs.

So here we sit a few hours before Game 4 against Phoenix, down 2-1 in the series and Marian Hossa is sitting at home nursing....something.

Unless you think the Hawks can win three in a row to close out the Yotes, tonight is a must-win game. No two ways about that. And I do not think the Hawks can beat Phoenix thrice in a row. So, yeah, must win.

Brandon Saad is back up with big boys tonight, filling in for Hoss in the top 6. I'd like to see lines like so:

Saad-Toews-Kane
Sharp-Kruger-Stalberg

The kid might as well be wearing a question mark on the back of his jersey instead of 43. (43, really? That's the best they can come up with for him? Such a putrid number. How about 23? That's a great Chicago number [Sandberg, Hester, Jordan]. At least give him something to work with. 43 looks awful. Like a donut laying on a staircase or something.)

But I digress.

I think we are all hoping he shows up tonight and goes sick with a hatty or something. But that shit never happens. Usually in these kinds of situations, you barely notice the rook. The moment is too big. I wouldn't be surprised if he pissed himself a little bit during the anthem.  I would.

Every game has been close. Every game has gone to overtime. I doubt tonight will be any different. It would be such a relief to drop six or seven on them but their goalie, Smith, is too good for any of the nonsense we've seen in the PIT-PHI series. Although I will say that Smith displays an astonishing amount of testicular fortitude playing the puck out of his net as much as he does.  I predict that this high wire act with the puck will come back to bite him in the ass before these playoffs are over.  Maybe not in this series but if they move on, something bad is going to happen with him jerking off in the trapezoid at some point.

(Good band name: Jerking Off in the Trapezoid. Probably some kind of futuristic drug-addled jam band. "Dude, did you go to the Trapezoid show last week? So sick, bro! I was so psyched when they opened with 'Carnival Barker's Daughter' I was rolling so hard.")

I digress again.

The Hawks top 6, even minus Hossa, is so much more talented than than Phoenix. That difference in class has to start asserting itself soon, as in, like, right motherfucking now, tonight. I don't feel like Q gave the 10-16-25 line enough time together at the beginning of the series. They were rocking something special together at the end of the season. But one game without a point was enough for the moustache and he pulled the slot machine handle.

Let's try putting the band back together for at least one night, eh? And if you're going to play Saad, then give him the best chance at succeeding by putting him with the two best play makers on the team in Tazer and Kaner. I read a couple tweets from the beat writers that they might put Saad with Kane and Brunette. Please, God, no. Brunette cannot move. He is useless in 5-on-5 situations. I only like him on the power play behind the goal line. Kane and Saad are dynamic play-making scorers. Putting them with Brunette would be like chaining an anchor to the rear axle of a Ferrari. JUST DON'T DO IT, Q. Resist the urge. Use the force.

That's all I've got right now.

I promise to try and blog more frequently.

You can follow me on Twitter @nCornick