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Wednesday
Apr252012

"They're gone...and we couldn't do nothing about it."

Please see the clip below for further clarification.

Like a bullet to the back of Tommy's head, the Coyotes put a swift end to the Hawks season on Monday night. I'll leave the autopsies to those better equipped for such endeavors. See HERE and HERE.

No, what I am here to write about today is the yawning chasm that confronts all of us now that our NHL season is over: the endless summer. The best way to approach the summer, in my view, is to take it in bite-sized chunks. If your sole focus is mid-September, waiting for training camp to start, you'll go mad. So I have taken the liberty to look ahead at the summer calendar to see what I could find to keep ourselves occupied.

The hope is that we'll be able to distract ourselves with various baubles and trinkets from week to week and month to month so that we barely recognize that the summer has slipped past us and it's already time to drop the puck again.

In order to help you navigate these hot, barren months, I have developed a highly technical algorithm. This formula will assign a value to assist in determining if a summer event is worth your time. The unit of measurement derived from this formula is called a Kaner.

Here is the formula:

(ENTERTAINMENT FACTOR [Scale of 1-10] + DRINKABILITY [Scale of 1-10] + GAMBLING POSSIBILITIES [Scale of 1-10]) * DAYS CONSUMED = RAW SCORE

RAW SCORE ÷ 10 = NUMBER OF KANERS 

In addition to assigning a numerical value to every event, I have also reached out to Kaner himself to see how he is planning on spending his free time this summer. Please see the WWKD? (What Would Kaner Do?) note after each entry for a summary of number 88's thoughts.*

*I have not reached out to Kaner. I made all of this up.

Week of April 23

The NFL Draft (4/26 - 4/28)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 9
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: 3
Kaners: 5



WWKD?: Thursday night - Drink a case of Michelob Ultra waiting for the Bills to pick at number 10. Celebrate the Bills pick with a rail of coke. Eat a bowl of Kraft mac and cheese. Fall asleep in front of the TV under a Bills blanket.

Week of April 30

The Avengers (Releases 5/4)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .35 (Rounding up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the red head's tittays."

The Kentucky Derby (5/5)

Entertainment Factor: 8
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 10
Days Consumed: 1 (If you're gambling all day on all the races. As you should be.)
Kaners: 2.8 (Rounding up to 3 Kaners)



WWKD?: Charter a jet and fly some of his Buffalo home boys down to Louisville for the weekend. Party for 48 hours straight. Get drunk on the roof of an RV in the infield at Churchill downs. Pass out shirtless while sporting an empty PBR box as a hat. Receive a sternly worded voicemail from Blackhawks President John McDonough after a shaky cell phone video surfaces on Deadspin of Kaner receiving a drunken handjob from a young lady in the stall of Derby favorite Union Rags.

Week of May 21

Memorial Day Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Shrooms with his boys on the deck of his new house on Lake Erie. Friday night - Mexican food and a river of tequila. Saturday afternoon - Go-Karting with the Kane family. Saturday night - Beer pong, then prank call Tazer, pretending to be a homosexual Sidney Crosby looking for a booty call. Sunday afternoon - Mini-golf with the Kane sisters at the course built on his property (18th green is a ten foot tall, rotating, Stanley Cup). Sunday night - Roll on some E, turn on the Jimmy Buffett, then sex with two high-priced (for Buffalo) escorts. Monday morning - Put the American flag out on the front porch. Salute the flag. Recite The Gettysburg Address verbatim from memory. Rest of Monday - Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, lawn darts, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, croquet, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, Recite The Gettysburg Address again, cry, shots, pass out in a hammock.

Week of June 11

U.S. Open Golf Tournament

Entertainment Factor: 5
Drinkability: 6
Gambling Possibilities: 7
Days Consumed: 2 (Only counting Saturday and Sunday here. Only losers watch Thursday and Friday. Note: I will watch Thursday and Friday.)
Kaners: 3.6 (round down to 3.5 Kaners)

WWKD?: Saturday, all day - Mute the volume of the television broadcast of the U.S. Open. Smoke two ounces of peyote. Embark on a vision quest with Phil Mickelson as spirit guide. Sunday morning - Church with the family. Rest of Sunday - Watch the Open while working on some technical drawings of a new, top secret beer funnel that Kaner described as a "game-changer". 

Week of June 18

NHL Draft (5/22-23)

Entertainment Factor: 3
Drinkability: 7
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: 1 (If you watch any of the second day, seek out a mental health professional. Note: I will watch all of the second day.)
Kaners: 1

WWKD?: Call your agent and get the phone number of the Blackhawks first round pick. Pretending you are Tazer, text the draft pick and tell him to make sure he has 2 kilos of coke, six strippers, and a keg of Natty Ice waiting in the dressing room on the first day training camp or you will make his life a living hell. Remind him you won the Conn Fucking Smythe Award. Remind him that there is a motherfucking lake named after you in northern Manitoba.

Brave (Releases 5/22)

Entertainment Factor: 8 (It's Pixar. Odds are that it will be awesome.)
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .4 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "How old is that chick? 16? 17? Too young, broseph. Hot though. Maybe I'll hit her up next summer. Remind me."

Week of June 25

NHL Free Agency (Opens 7/1)

Entertainment Factor: 7
Drinkability: 1
Gambling Possibilities: 7 (If any free agent signings affect the odds of your team winning the Cup)
Days Consumed: 3 (For the sake of argument, let's just agree that the first three days of free agency are the most interesting)
Kaners: 4.5 (Round up to 5 Kaners)

WWKD?: Arrange for an erotic gift basket to be sent to every free agent the Blackhawks sign. The note inside every basket reads: "Welcome to the Hawks! Please enjoy these dildos, cock rings, and flavored lubricants compliments of me! See you on the ice in September!" (signed "Kaner").  

Week of July 2

The Amazing Spider-Man (Released 7/3)

Entertainment Factor: 5 (Will probably be total shit)
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .25 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the blonde chick's tittays."

4th of July Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Bourbon and bottle rockets. Friday night - Bacardi 151, M-80s, and a donkey show. Saturday afternoon - Role play as Thomas Jefferson with high-priced (for Buffalo) black escort playing the part of a slave girl. Saturday night - Drop acid. Prank call Tazer and tell him that his cock and balls have declared their independence and that they are now part of the gay rights movement. Sunday afternoon - Church with the family. Sunday night - Dinner with the family. Smoke a bowl. Watch Dumbo with the family and cry like a baby. Monday morning - Put the American flag out on the front porch. Salute the flag. Blast Stars and Stripes Forever so loud that it wakes up the neighbors. Rest of Monday - Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, lawn darts, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, croquet, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, fireworks, shots, pass out in a hammock. 

Week of July 16

The Dark Knight Rises (Releases 7/20)

Entertainment Factor: 8
Drinkability: 0
Gambling Possibilities: 0
Days Consumed: .5
Kaners: .4 (Round up to a half-Kaner)

WWKD?: Kaner's exact words: "I beat off to the brunette's tittays."

July 27 - August 12

2012 Summer Olympics

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 4
Gambling Possibilities: 5
Days Consumed: 17
Kaners: 32.3 Kaners (Round down to 32 Kaners)

WWKD?: Get high on angel dust before watching the opening and closing ceremonies. Jack off to every female athlete that appears on the television screen, including the horses in the equestrian events.

Week of August 27

Labor Day Weekend

Entertainment Factor: 10
Drinkability: 10
Gambling Possibilities: 1
Days Consumed: 3.5
Kaners: 7.35 (Round down to 7 Kaners)

WWKD?: Friday afternoon - Hit up Great America in Gurnee. Smoke a shitload of weed in the parking lot before going into the park. Spend all afternoon eating funnel cakes. Forget to go on any rides. Hits on the girl running the ski-ball game. Asks her if she ever had a bro skeet on her tatas. Friday night - Invite Shaw, Hayes, Bolling, and Carcillo over to his Downtown Chicago condo. Shotgun brews, watch the Playboy Channel, and play Candyland until 5:00 AM. Saturday Afternoon - Throw out the first pitch at Wrigley. Get loaded on a rooftop. Receive blowjob from a stranger in a bathroom. Saturday night - Prank call Tazer. Ask him if his refrigerator is running. Kaner's lisp gives him away and Tazer chastises Kaner for five minutes on the virtues of good manners. Go to Navy Pier with terrified rookie Brandon Saad and force him to smoke opium. Ride the Ferris Wheel for three straight hours while working out the meaning of life. Exact quote from Kaner to Saad on the Ferris wheel: "Everything is orange, bro. You smell like an orange." Sunday afternoon - Call agent. Ask him to get Ke$ha's phone number. Call Ke$ha. She doesn't know who Kaner is. Tells her to google "Kaner". Ke$ha googles Kaner and likes what she sees. Leaves two tickets to her show that night. Kaner and Carbomb go to Ke$ha's show. They hang backstage before the show. Ke$ha gives Kaner a quick handie in her dressing room. They split a bottle of Jack in celebration. After the show Ke$ha and Kaner go back to his place and consummate their lust. Monday morning - Ke$ha helps Kaner put the American flag on display on his balcony. Ke$ha and Kaner simultaneously recite Emma Lazarus' sonnet, "The New Colossus" verbatim from memory. Ke$ha and Kaner salute the flag. Ke$ha and Kaner go back inside and watch each other masturbate. Rest of Monday - Beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, lawn darts, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, beer, croquet, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, badminton, sex, bar-b-que, beer, beer, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, sex, beer, beer, shots, heroin, sixty-nine, pass out on the kitchen floor. 

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    www.writingatunnel.com - Writing A Tunnel - "They're gone...and we couldn't do nothing about it."

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